


alone again tonight with you

by woodchoc_magnum



Series: just to be with you [1]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: 911 Season 4, Angst with a Happy Ending, COVID-19, Canon Compliant, Christopher Diaz is a National Treasure, Firehouse 118 Crew as Family (9-1-1 TV), Firehouse 118 Family Feels (9-1-1 TV), Jealousy, M/M, Pining, Pre-Relationship Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-06
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-12 04:08:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 37,241
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29878836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/woodchoc_magnum/pseuds/woodchoc_magnum
Summary: In which Eddie and Ana are dating, Buck is secretly in love with him, and Christopher isn't handling it well.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Series: just to be with you [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2196792
Comments: 102
Kudos: 795





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is canon compliant until 4x06, and then it veers off.
> 
> This is the first part of what's going to be a short series - I have two further stories planned. Please enjoy!
> 
> And fingers crossed for a break-up on the show. 😉

Eddie had been dating Ana for a month.

A whole month, not that Buck was counting or hoping that it would be over quickly.

A month was long enough to establish whether there was chemistry – obviously, there _was_ , or else Buck wouldn't be watching Eddie change into his date clothes in the locker room; a navy-blue button-up and black slacks.

"So where are you off to tonight?" Hen asked curiously.

Eddie shrugged. "A restaurant, I think. She picked it out. We can't go to the movies or anything like that."

She raised her eyebrows. "And how does Christopher feel about this?"

Eddie glanced at Buck, who was baby-sitting, and said, "I haven't told him yet."

Buck turned to his locker, trying to keep his face blank. Christopher knew _something_ was going on – since the pandemic, he'd had Eddie _and_ Buck pretty much to himself, and now Eddie had plans without them once or twice a week… yeah, Christopher had picked up on it.

"Well that's fair; you've only been seeing each other a few weeks," Hen replied. "It's a little too soon."

"A month," Buck said, his back still to them, and didn't notice the high eyebrows that Hen and Chimney gave each other.

"Yeah, a month," Eddie agreed. "But I think he knows something is going on. I just… I wasn't going to tell him until it felt serious."

"Ah, so it feels serious," Chimney said knowingly.

Eddie's reply was short. "No."

Buck wasn't surprised to hear that. Eddie was unfailingly cautious, and when it came to his personal life and Christopher, even more so. A month was nothing for Eddie – as far as Buck was aware, they'd only kissed a couple of times.

And he was twisted up in knots about it, jealous beyond belief that someone could come along and divert Eddie's attention – and Buck had held his attention solely for the last few years. Eddie's smiles had been directed at him, and he'd loved every one of them.

He listened while they questioned Eddie, who was polite but short – it was still casual, they were only getting to know each other, he wasn't sure how he was feeling. Hen and Chimney accepted his answers – with Eddie, you could never press too hard for answers. He'd offer what he wanted to, and that was it.

They departed, and Buck thought he was alone until he turned around and realised that Eddie was waiting patiently for him at the locker room door with his bag over his shoulder, dark eyes trained on him curiously. "You coming?"

"Yeah," he replied, quickly grabbing his stuff. "Let's get out of here."

They walked out to the parking lot together, side-by-side, calling their goodbyes. Buck threw his bag into the back of the jeep and glanced over at Eddie, who was standing near the back of his truck.

"You're cooking tonight?" Eddie asked him. "You could just order something; I don't mind."

"No, I'll cook – the last time I babysat he specifically requested mac and cheese," Buck replied with a grin. "I aim to please."

"He's got you wrapped around his little finger," Eddie said knowingly. "You can say no."

"To him or you?" Buck asked pointedly, grinning when Eddie's eyebrows flew up. "You know I have a hard time saying no to the Diaz boys."

"That's why we keep you around," Eddie teased.

"The only reason?"

Eddie was smiling and shaking his head, tossing his bag into his car. "No, not the only reason," he acquiesced. "We also like beating you at video games and eating your food."

"Ah typical, a pair of users," Buck retorted. "I get it now."

"Yeah." Eddie paused, leaning on his car. "But um… thanks for doing this. I really appreciate it."

Buck shrugged at him. "Anytime."

"Yeah, but… it's not like I can return the favour for you."

Buck wanted to say, _Eddie, you never have to – you let me into your home, into your life and you've never asked anything of me before_ , but instead he replied, "You can buy me a six pack."

Eddie grinned. "Deal."

Buck was about to slide into the driver's side of his car when he realised Eddie was still staring at him, an unreadable expression on his face. "What's up?" Buck asked him. "Do you want me to do something else tonight?"

"No, um… hang around for a bit, after I get home?" Eddie asked. "Last time you took off. I won't be late."

"Oh. Okay, sure," he said with a shrug. He'd left in a hurry because he hadn't wanted to hear Eddie gushing about how wonderful his date had been, but… in the following days, Eddie hadn't said much about Ana at all, to anyone. "Should I save you some food?"

A smile crossed Eddie's face. "We're going to a kinda fancy place with small portions," he admitted, scratching the back of his neck. "Save me some mac and cheese? You're using Bobby's recipe, right?"

Buck nodded. "Always. Yeah, no problem. I'll make extra."

"Thanks." Eddie nodded at him, and then added, "I really appreciate you doing this for me, Buck. Thank you. He loves spending time with you."

"I love spending time with him," he replied simply. "It's a win-win. There's nothing in this world I like more than hanging out with my _best friend_."

Eddie laughed. "Okay, I see where I stand."

"Yeah, number two," Buck replied pointedly. "Clearly."

"I know." Eddie rested his arms on the roof of his car, smiling at him. "Don't have too much fun without me, okay?"

"I can't promise that."

~

He left the window rolled down but turned the music up, the breeze rustling his hair as he drove through the busy city streets. He'd been thinking a lot about family lately, after the sudden, unpleasant reappearance of his parents (he was still working through _that_ in therapy). He'd always felt like he was searching for his place in the world, trying to find the people he fit with.

When he started at the 118, and bonded so quickly with Bobby, Hen and Chimney, he'd thought that was it. He tested the boundaries of their patience, sure, but for some reason, they never gave up on him. Buck had always wondered about that – when his parents had been so easy to turn their backs on him, his family at the 118 never had.

And then came Eddie, and his confidence in his place with his newfound family had shattered. Here was this guy – this superstar, army hero, with model good-looks – coming in with all the confidence in the world, instantly slotting in with _Buck's_ family, his people. Yeah, he was threatened – how could he not be? Eddie had the kind of easy confidence that he'd only ever dreamed of.

But it was _Eddie_ , who kept trying until he'd won Buck over – Eddie, who had a son with CP. Eddie, who was the greatest father Buck had ever met in his life – racing into the school to collect Christopher after the earthquake, filled with such relief and happiness to have his son back in his arms. Eddie _loved_ Christopher, and Christopher _loved_ Eddie – and Buck had always wondered what that was like. To have a father who loved, unconditionally? Who tried? Who actively put their own needs second so that their child came first?

He learned from Eddie what it meant to be a good father. He learned from Eddie what real, long-lasting friendship meant – he'd never had a best friend before, a person he could rely on through thick and thin. He trusted him, depended on him – but now it seemed as though Eddie was moving on without him. He'd reconnected with Ana, right when Buck was finally starting to feel like his life was on track. He was making progress, moving forward, and feeling happy, and suddenly the main constant in his life had a new girlfriend. He was floundering.

And jealous that someone was diverting the attention he usually received from Eddie away from him.

And angry at himself for feeling jealous.

And lonely, and sad… but trying to hide it. He had to try to hide it from Eddie, despite what Dr Copeland said about him needing to share his feelings. He couldn't be selfish about this; he had to try to be supportive… even though it was tearing him apart.

* * *

Eddie hadn't quite put the finger on what was wrong. He assumed it was a problem with _him_ , because Ana was perfectly lovely, but… there was something missing.

She'd picked a nice restaurant by the water – it was a little fancier than he was used to, and as they walked in, he worried that he was underdressed. She was wearing a red and white dress that reminded him vaguely of Shannon – was _that_ the problem? Shannon had loved pretty, flowery dresses as well. Did Ana remind him of Shannon?

In some ways, she _did_ – they were both confident and outgoing. Ana had even mentioned liking similar music and movies, though he hadn't mentioned the connection; simply filed it away in the back of his mind. He wondered if maybe every woman would remind him of Shannon in some way or another – it was possible that she'd left such an indelible impression on him that he would never be able to disassociate from her memory.

Shannon had almost been Eddie's exact opposite – she'd had a wild, fun streak to her. Where he was reserved, she was extroverted – she drew his personality out, made _him_ more fun. Buck had the same ability, which was one of the reasons Eddie had been drawn to him in the first place.

However, when he was Ana, he was restrained. Charming and polite, sure – he knew how to turn on the charm, how to keep a conversation flowing… but the more dates they went on, the more he was realising they just didn't have a lot in common.

The other problem was that the longer their relationship lasted, the more it felt like Buck was pulling away from him as well? He found himself thinking more about Buck, wondering about him – why it seemed as though there was distance between them, and why he felt awkward even mentioning Ana to Buck, who would always find a way to change the subject.

Buck was saying everything right, but he was hiding something. Eddie was just trying to figure out what the hell it was.

Ana tilted her head at him from across the table, concerned. "Are you okay?"

He blinked, crashing back to reality. "Oh yeah, I'm fine," he replied easily, examining the wine menu. "Sorry. We had a big day at work."

"I'm sorry to hear that – you didn't have to attend that horrible crash on the freeway this morning, did you?"

"No, we were across town," he replied, and then elaborated, "It was kind of a weird call. A cat and her kittens had somehow become trapped inside a wall, and in an effort to free them, this guy had found where they'd entered – which was through a gap in the attic – and then tried to follow them in that way. He got stuck, upside-down."

She grimaced. "That seems like a bad idea."

"It really was, but he and the cats are okay now. We cut a hole in the wall and Chimney was able to squeeze in and rescue the cats, and Buck and I pulled the guy out from the top."

"All's well that ends well, then," she said, and then added, "How is Buck? I know you mentioned that he'd been going through a tough time."

He hadn't said anything specific, just that Buck was dealing with some family stuff, and that he'd thought him spending quality time with Christopher would help him realise that family didn't have to mean blood. Or something like that – after witnessing the Buckley train wreck play out in real time, he was even more confused about his relationship with his own parents. There were certain similarities that concerned him – weren't they the reason he'd fled to LA with Christopher in the first place?

"He's doing a lot better," he said. "He's making macaroni and cheese for Christopher tonight."

"That's nice that you can rely on him to take care of your son," she replied. "He doesn't mind?"

"No," he replied, though he wasn't sure if that was entirely true. "And Christopher wouldn't want anyone else – they're best friends. The best of friends."

Ana nodded, a little curiously, but looked up when the waiter appeared at their table. He took their drink orders – a glass of white for her, and red for him – and gave them a little more time to look at the menu.

Eddie was reading through the options when Ana said, "Buck went through the tsunami with Christopher, is that right? That's why they're so close?"

He looked up at her with surprise. "No, they were very close before that," he replied. "Buck was my first real friend here in LA – they met after the earthquake a few years ago. Buck drove me to collect Christopher from school after our shift, and they just clicked. They bonded instantly. He was injured as well, for a few months before the tsunami, and we used to go over to his loft and hang out with him to keep him company." He was rambling, but for some reason, he couldn't stop himself. "Since the pandemic started he comes over pretty frequently, a few times a week, to have dinner and hang out. Christopher has seen more of Buck during lockdown than our own family."

"Wow," she replied, though she sounded more puzzled than anything else. "I had no idea… I mean, I guess it makes sense, all your stories seem to start with, 'Buck and I.' It's nice that he's been such a positive influence on Christopher. I'd like to meet him some day."

He nodded, suddenly feeling awkward. "Yeah, sure," he agreed, and decided to quickly change the subject. "So, what are you having?"

"Oh, I'll get the veal," she replied. "It sounds delicious."

Eddie nodded, chewing his lower lip. Nothing on the menu was particularly appealing to him – it was all way too fancy; the kind of place he'd never pick.

"There's so much to choose from," Ana said to him, leaning over to peer at the menu. "You should try the salmon. I've heard from a few people who have been here that it's really nice."

He _did not like_ fish – Buck made fun of him for it, all the time – but maybe it would be okay. "Okay," he said. "Salmon it is."

* * *

"So," Buck said to Christopher, as he dished up bowls of macaroni and cheese for them both, "we'll have dinner, and then it's my turn to pick the movie."

Christopher groaned. "But _Buck._ "

"You picked the last one!"

"But your movies are _boring._ "

He arched his eyebrows at Christopher. "Sorry? Did you want garlic bread, or…"

Christopher pouted. "I'm sorry! But I don't want to watch something dumb."

Buck turned to him with his hands on his hips. "Just because you don't like something doesn't mean it's dumb, okay, buddy? It's okay not to want to watch something – that's all you have to say."

Chastened, Christopher nodded at him, and he instantly felt guilty – but hadn't Eddie told him that he had to correct Christopher when he was in the wrong?

Being an adult was _tough._

"We could watch one of those wildlife documentaries or something, if you want." Buck cut up the loaf of garlic bread and added some slices to a bowl, before setting a couple aside for Eddie. "Okay, come on."

He followed Christopher out to the dining table, balancing the two bowls of macaroni and cheese and the garlic bread. Christopher settled down into his seat, leaning his crutches against the table, smiling up at Buck when he set the bowl down. It was one of the first genuine smiles he'd received all evening – Christopher had been sullen and quiet ever since Eddie had left.

"Be right back with the drinks," Buck said, ducking back into the kitchen. He paused to check his phone – nothing from Eddie – and grabbed a pitcher of water from the fridge, and two glasses.

Christopher was waiting patiently for him to return, and when he leaned over to fill Christopher's glass, he said, "Buck, who is Dad's new friend?"

That was the cover story – Eddie had a new friend that he was spending time with, though they hadn't covered any specifics, like whether Buck was allowed to say who it was. He guessed _not_ , and went with, "She's just someone he met and they're getting to know each other."

Christopher eyed him suspiciously. "A girl?"

"Yep." Buck had a mouthful of food, and then gestured to Christopher's bowl. "Eat."

Christopher picked up his spoon, but he looked upset. "He didn't say _that._ He lied to me."

_Oh shit._ Buck hadn't meant to catch Eddie in a lie, and said quickly, "Maybe he got mixed up."

"No, he said it was a new guy at work." Christopher dropped his spoon into the bowl unhappily. "I don't want someone new."

_Fuck._ Momentarily panicked – and because he'd already opened his mouth and inserted his foot directly into it – Buck said, "That is not going to happen."

"I don't want things to change."

"Things aren't changing—"

"He's not here!" Christopher suddenly exploded, turning furious, frustrated eyes on Buck – who had never seen Christopher anything but at different levels of happiness. "It's different!"

"Okay," Buck said, shocked, trying to stay calm. "I know it's a big adjustment, kiddo."

Christopher just shook his head, opening and closing his mouth – clearly struggling with how to verbalise what was wrong. Buck waited, and he finally managed to say, "I like when it's just _us._ Me, Dad and _you._ "

"I'm not going anywhere."

"But – no!" he exclaimed again, frustrated. "No! Because you – you'll have to go? And – I want – I want you."

"You have me," Buck reassured him, taking his small hand between both of his. "Chris, I am not going anywhere. I promise."

"I want you to be my dad too," Christopher finally said, the words bursting out of him as though he'd been trying to suppress them. "I want you here! No one else!"

"Oh kiddo," Buck whispered, totally stunned, and without Eddie to turn to for help. Christopher was on the verge of tears, so he abandoned their meals, picked him up and sat him on his lap and said in his ear, "It's okay. I know this whole year has been awful and strange; I know you miss your friends, and you miss Carla – I know the whole world has been turned upside down. I know, kiddo. Believe me, I know."

Hadn't it ever.

"But you have me," he said, as Christopher began to weep. "You have me! I'm right here. Not going anywhere."

"But—"

"No buts, kiddo." He hugged him close, resting his head on Christopher's shoulder. "No buts. It doesn't matter who comes along, we three are forever. I know that."

Christopher was silent, clutching at his shirt with small fists. "I hate it."

_Me too_ , he thought, rubbing his back. "I know."

"I miss him."

_Me too._ "I know."

Christopher sniffled. "Why can't we go places anymore? How come Dad can go but we can't go?"

"We can go places," Buck said to him, pulling back, regarding him seriously. "You want to go out?" He hadn't cleared that with Eddie, but he figured he wouldn't mind.

"Where can we go?" Christopher asked reasonably.

"We'll go get some ice cream, and maybe take a little drive," Buck suggested. "We could drive up the hill to the observatory – it's not open but we could have a look anyway, what do you say?"

Hope flashed across his face. "Really?"

"Yeah. Let's eat dinner," Buck suggested, "and then we'll go. Come on – this is your favourite." He helped Christopher back onto his seat, and then nudged the bowl towards him. "Eat up."

~

Eddie had been extra cautious about Christopher leaving the house – he had several masks, and Buck made him put one on when they went out to the car. The kid wasn't going to get COVID on his watch.

He'd done some quick googling while Christopher was in the bathroom and had discovered that a drive-in movie theatre was doing booming business again, and there was a movie playing that night. He had to order a ticket online but had no problem securing one, and bustled Christopher into the car with promises of letting him sit in the front seat to watch _Twister_ together.

They needed snacks, so he swung into a 7/11 and picked up a bag of potato chips, a bag of M&M's and some drinks, and then drove to the theatre. Once inside, they parked near the middle, and he then helped Christopher into the front passenger seat, made sure he could hear the speaker, and settled back in his seat.

Christopher munched on chips happily, gazing up at the screen with huge eyes. "This is cool," he declared. "I love it."

Buck smiled at him, relieved that the old Christopher was back. "Yeah, it's awesome. I always wanted to go to one of these. We're doing this for the first time together," he said, and held out his fist so Christopher could bump it with his own.

It was as the previews began that he realised he hadn't texted Eddie to ask for permission, and quickly sent him a message – _Hey man, change of plans – Chris was upset so I've taken him to a drive-in movie. Not sure what time you'll be home, but we might be back later. Sorry man he was desperate to get out of the house, hope everything is going okay, there's mac and cheese in the oven for you._

* * *

Eddie read Buck's message while Ana was ordering another glass of wine from the waiter and was instantly concerned. He fired back, _Why was he upset? What's wrong? He's wearing a mask, right?_

He watched the three dots indicating that Buck was replying appear and then disappear, but the waiter had departed, and Ana was giving him a questioning look.

"Everything okay?"

"Yes," he said, setting his phone face-up on the table, as the dots reappeared again. "Yeah, fine. Buck said that Christopher has been upset."

"Oh no – is he unwell?" she asked with concern.

"I think he's okay," he replied, picking up his fork again, eyeing the salmon congealing on his plate unhappily. He just had to eat it and get it over with, or she'd realise something was up.

"If you have to go—"

"No, Buck says everything is under control." _Because he took him to a drive-in movie without me,_ he thought bitterly.

As if on cue, Buck's message popped up. _I'll tell you when I see you. He's okay, I promise. Enjoy your date_

That only served to worry him further, and he read and re-read it a few times, before replying, _Buck I'm worried, can you call me and tell me what's going on?_

"Eddie," Ana prompted gently. "Do you have to go?"

"Um… no," he said, chewing on his lower lip nervously. "No."

"It's fine if you do; I understand."

Buck's message popped up. _Eddie I am literally sitting in the jeep with Christopher watching the movie right now, I can't call – he is FINE, everything is FINE I promise_

He quickly replied, _You were just going to stay in?_

"Eddie," Ana said, and he glanced at her quickly. "If you have to leave, it's fine."

"I just – um… I just need to figure out what's going on," he said, rising to his feet. "I'll be right back; I'm just going to call Buck."

She nodded, looking concerned. "Okay."

He made sure his mask was on and cut through the restaurant to the exit. There was a boardwalk overlooking the marina, and he hurried to a quiet spot, pulled his mask down and called Buck.

"Eddie, you're on speaker," he said when he answered.

Christopher piped in with, "Dad, we're at the movies! In a car!"

"That's awesome," Eddie said, trying to keep the tension out of his tone. "Buck, can you take me off speaker?"

"Yep." There was a pause, and then Buck said, "Okay. Everything's fine."

"He's wearing a mask?"

"We're in the car and there is nobody nearby; he's not wearing his mask right now because he's eating chips. He hasn't been out of the car."

"And you have your mask and hand sanitiser, right?"

"Yes, Eddie." Buck's tone was a little tight. "I'm sorry I didn't ask before—"

"No, you don't need permission to take him anywhere," he interrupted, "but I don't understand why—"

"We just needed to get out of the house, didn't we, kiddo?" Buck asked Christopher, who responded enthusiastically. "Okay? I'll talk to you later tonight."

Eddie paused. "I wish… I would've come with you," he finally said. "I would've liked to come."

"Oh," Buck replied, and then hissed apologetically. "I didn't even think. I'm sorry, okay? I'll give you the details so you guys can go without me—"

"No, I mean – all three of us together," he interrupted. "I would've come with you guys. I want to do that."

"Then we will; we'll pick another movie."

He nodded, leaning against the railing, looking up at the night sky. "What are you seeing?"

" _Twister._ It was the only option; it's their nineties night and this kid hasn't seen it. Plus it's not very long; we should be home no later than ten. Okay?"

"Yeah, okay. Sorry, I… I'm sorry."

"We'll talk later; the movie's starting and I've never seen it. Gotta go," Buck said quickly. "See you later."

"Bye," Eddie replied, just as the call went dead in his ear.

He stood there a moment longer, staring at his phone. What was wrong with him? He was on a date with a beautiful woman who was smart, funny and interested in him, and all he could think about was how he'd rather be in Buck's car watching the movie with them. Watching Christopher and Buck watch a movie he'd seen before was one of his all-time favourite things to do, and he was missing out on _Twister._

He collected himself, put a smile on his face and went back into the restaurant. Ana sat up a little straighter, gazing at him worriedly. "They're okay?"

"Yeah, they're fine," he replied with a nod. "Everything's okay. Sorry, I was a little worried. How's your meal?"

* * *

Christopher _loved_ the movie – Buck did too, though parts of it were preposterous – and he was awake until they started driving home. Buck glanced into the backseat to find him passed out with his head drooping down onto his chest, sleeping soundly.

He pulled into the driveway and gently lifted Christopher out of the backseat, carrying him inside. Eddie wasn't home, but Buck expected that he wasn't too far away.

He prodded Christopher awake, changed him into his pyjamas and then tucked him into bed.

"Buck," Christopher murmured, eyes closed again. "Stay?"

"Wasn't going anywhere," Buck whispered, taking a seat on the floor beside the bed. "I'm right here."

"No, stay forever. Forever." Christopher's voice was low. "Please?"

The lump in his throat prevented him for speaking. He took Christopher's outstretched hand and held it, nodding – not able to promise that, because… they weren't his family. He'd just been playing pretend.

Letting himself get too comfortable, basking in the warmth of their love… fooling himself. Eddie was always going to move on, and Buck was always going to be left behind.

He looked up at the ceiling, trying not to feel too despondent. It was only a few dates. Eddie was still _Eddie_ , which meant he was playing his cards close to his chest and not revealing too much… and what could Buck say?

_Hey Eddie, I know I've just been through the emotional wringer, and you're dating someone else, but spending time with you and Christopher has been the greatest joy of my life, and my psychologist told me that I need to be more honest with my feelings… I think I might be in love with you._

That's what it was, wasn't it? The _thing_ he tried so desperately to keep hidden. Somewhere along the way he'd fallen in love with his best friend, and the idea of being welcomed into a ready-made family who already knew and loved him in return.

What was he going to do? Tell Eddie the truth and just hope that Eddie felt the same way? Buck already knew the answer to that question. Eddie was straight.

He could picture the whole scene clearly in his mind – him confessing, and then Eddie's gorgeous brown eyes dimming, his face drawing tight, recoiling away from him. _Buck, I don't feel the same way._

He just couldn't do it. Couldn't stand to let the fantasy die – couldn't bear to lose the family he'd made for himself. He would keep it quiet and just _hope_ that maybe… Eddie would have a realisation of his own.

Maybe.

So he held Christopher's hand while he slept, let the tear snake down his cheek, and thought about how utterly miserable it was going to be watching Eddie move on without him.

* * *

Ana was smiling at him from beside her car, her head tilted up. "I had a really wonderful evening," she said, the breeze rippling her dress.

He smiled at her. "Me too."

"Let me know how things are with Christopher, okay? I know you're worried."

"I'm sure everything is okay," he replied.

Ana nodded, and then said, "I was hoping I could cook dinner for you next week sometime," she suggested. "You could come over? I'd only ask you to bring a bottle of wine."

He hesitated, and then said, "Yeah, okay. That sounds nice. We'll organise it."

"I can't wait," she said, and leaned towards him, her face lifted in anticipation.

So he kissed her, waiting for that spark – the _moment_. Waiting for his heart to awaken and say, _yes, this –_ but there was nothing; no reaction. He kept picturing Buck, for some reason – he'd been thinking about Buck all night, hadn't been able to get him out of his mind. He was anxious to _see Buck._

They parted, and she squeezed his hand. "I'll be in touch," she promised. "We'll work out a night."

"Great," he said, though his heart wasn't in it. "Drive safely."

"You too." Ana waved at him as she slipped into her car.

He did the gentlemanly thing and waited until she'd pulled out of the parking lot before climbing into his truck, and then sending Buck a text. _On my way home now, please hang around for a bit_

There was no response, though he kept glancing at his phone on the way home, waiting for the screen to light up. Worry was heavy in the pity of his stomach – _something is wrong, I should've gone home earlier, something is definitely wrong_ –and lifted somewhat when he arrived home and found Buck's jeep in its usual spot, the house lights glowing and nothing else amiss.

He'd relax when he laid eyes on them, and jogged into the house, careful not to slam the door. They weren't in the living room, so he padded down the hall to Christopher's room and found Buck seated on the floor beside the bed, holding Christopher's hand loosely.

They were both asleep. He stopped in the doorway, waiting for the gnawing in his stomach to ease; for the tension to lift –stupidly, he'd been hoping they were both still awake.

He shifted his weight and the floor creaked. Buck's eyes fluttered open, and he lifted his head, yawning. "Hey."

"Hey. You okay?"

Buck nodded, laying Christopher's hand on the bed, checking to make sure he was tucked in – Eddie's heart ached as he watched Buck gently arrange the blankets and brush his fingers through Christopher's hair – before straightening, stretching his arms over his head as he met Eddie at the door. "Your turn," he said with a sleepy grin, patting Eddie on the shoulder before wandering down the hall.

Eddie watched him go, frowning, and then went to check on Christopher, who was in such a deep sleep that he had no reaction when Eddie kissed his cheek and whispered that he loved him, before switching off the lamp.

He found Buck in the kitchen, warming the food in the oven, and said, "So… he was upset?"

Buck nodded, glancing at him guiltily. "It's my fault," he admitted. "I told him your new friend was a woman, and he put two and two together… I didn't know what to do."

Eddie grimaced, shaking his head. "No, I should've been honest… but they say you shouldn't introduce someone to your kids for a while, so I thought I was doing the right thing."

"He's a smart kid; he figured it out. Honestly, it's not entirely that – it's the pandemic as well. Not being able to do all the things we used to do," Buck said, checking the food. "I thought… I'll get him out of the house, maybe it'll cheer him up."

"The drive-in."

"Yeah, it was fun. I've never done it before. He loved the movie; he was so excited." Buck smiled fondly at him. "He's such an awesome kid. I love him so much."

"Well, the feeling is mutual." It was meant to be a compliment, but a dark look crossed Buck's face. "What?" he asked, instantly concerned. "What's going on?"

Buck shrugged, swallowing hard. "It's not you. It's my shit… getting too comfortable."

Eddie frowned, taking a step towards him. "What do you mean?"

Buck was silent, staring at the oven, before he finally said, "You guys, this house… having you both to myself. My fake family, I guess."

_Fake family?_

"Fake family," he repeated. "There's nothing fake about us."

"There is, because… I don't fit," Buck said simply – and with horror, Eddie realised there were tears in his eyes. "I let myself think that I fit, and I don't."

"Who said that you don't fit?" he demanded. "Buck – what's brought this on? I… never made you feel that way, did I? Did I do something?"

Buck shook his head, taking the macaroni out of the oven. "No, you didn't. It's me. It's always me."

"Buck…" he trailed off, not knowing what to say. "Can we sit down and talk?"

"I should go—"

"I wanted you to stay so we could talk," he said firmly, and grasped Buck's shoulder. "I need to talk to you."

Buck hesitated, but finally gave in and nodded. "Okay," he said, clearing his throat. He took a bowl from the cupboard and dished some food, added a couple of slices of garlic bread, and passed it to Eddie. "Here… I hope it's still good."

"It will be," Eddie said gratefully. "Thanks."

"What'd you have for dinner?" Buck asked quietly, taking a couple of bottles of water from the fridge and following Eddie out to the lounge room.

Eddie sat on the couch, nestled the bowl in his lap and said, "It was salmon on a bed of vegetables. Asparagus and stuff."

Buck grimaced. "You don't even really like salmon. Why'd you have that?"

"I don't know; I was trying something new…" he trailed off. "I thought it was grown-up, I guess."

The softest expression crossed Buck's face, before he said, "I know your palette is a bit, uh, _simple_ sometimes—"

"It's not simple; I just prefer it when I can eat regular food," Eddie interrupted, gesturing to the bowl of macaroni and cheese. "You stick me in a place like that and it's like… I don't know what to do, or what to order."

"You order food that you like," Buck said, grinning at him. "Are you trying to impress her or something?"

"No," he protested, and then paused. "No?"

Buck arched his eyebrows knowingly. "You sure?"

Fuck. Buck really did know him better than anyone. Eddie poked at the macaroni and cheese and said, "She has a doctorate… and I'm a firefighter."

"But you like that."

"Yeah I do – I mean, she's more… um… refined?"

"I'm sure she likes normal food just as much as you do," Buck said patiently. "You two haven't been on that many dates; you'll figure this stuff out."

"Yeah." He had a couple of bites of macaroni, and then asked, "But how long does it take to… know you like someone?"

Buck shrugged. "You're asking me?"

"You've got more experience with this than I do."

"Yeah, but you've actually had a long-term relationship." Buck glanced at him, and then said, "I mean… you get a good feeling, right? There are sparks. You want to keep seeing them, you want to talk to them… you want to know all about them. You can't stop thinking about them."

He nodded slowly. All of that was true, which meant that him not feeling any of it was even more worrying. "Honestly," he said, "if she didn't call me again… I wouldn't wonder why or be broken-hearted about it."

Buck turned to face him fully, an unreadable expression on his face. "Well… okay," he replied. "Then maybe it's not working out."

"I know Christopher doesn't want this. It's why I haven't told him," Eddie admitted.

"He's a smart kid; he knows that if you're not with me, then there's something going on," Buck pointed out. "But um… there's something else you should know. I think… the pandemic, and only seeing me for months has made him think… or hope, maybe, that… you and I might…" he paused, and then said in a rush, "be more than friends."

Well, that was something he'd never considered, but with it out there in the open, he suddenly realised how obvious it was. Christopher wanted Buck over all the time – he'd have him there every single night if Eddie agreed to it.

"Oh," he said after a long silence. "Wow. Okay."

Him and Buck, together? Another thing he'd never considered. It wasn't a possibility. Was it?

"Yeah." Buck sipped his water, and then chuckled uncomfortably. "I mean, how do you say… sorry, your Dad is straight? I just… took him to a movie."

Eddie glanced at Buck. "You're straight too," he pointed out, a little weakly. "Right?"

Buck gave him a long look, and then shook his head once.

_Oh._

He'd never considered _that_ , either.

"But you've never mentioned guys," Eddie said numbly. "Ever."

"I've never been with a guy before." Buck's face was red, his eyes on the ground.

The macaroni and cheese was going cold, but Eddie could only stare at Buck. "But you've thought about it. You want to."

There was a pause, and then Buck nodded again.

Eddie let it hang in the air for a moment – Buck was bisexual, he guessed, and he was the first to know… so he would have to protect that information, and he would.

"I'm glad you told me," he said after a moment, and Buck flashed him a tense smile. "I'll keep it to myself until you're ready to tell the others… and please don't tell them what I said about Ana."

"I won't," Buck said quietly. "If you're not into it, there's no use in dragging it out. She might not be the right person for you, but that doesn't mean someone else won't come along."

He poked at the macaroni and cheese again, thinking it over. "It's dumb," he finally said, "but I keep thinking how much my parents would like her."

He half expected Buck to give him a look of disdain, but he simply nodded and said, "I used to think that when I dated Ali… chances are, they probably wouldn't have liked her. And they definitely wouldn't have liked Abby."

"Age difference," he guessed.

Buck chuckled. "Right."

"So what if you start dating a guy?"

"I won't," he replied simply.

Confused, Eddie said, "But you could, if you… met someone…"

Buck shrugged. "I won't meet anyone," he said, in a tone that suggested that was the last thing he'd say on the matter.

For the first time in a long, long time, Eddie couldn't work out what Buck was thinking. He wouldn't meet his eyes; he was fidgety, nervous… pulling away. He suddenly remembered the fake family comment and said, "You know that… Christopher and I love you, right? I know I'm not good at being open, but… the invitations, and you being here all the time – we want you here. I want you here," he said emphatically. "We're not your fake family. We're your real family."

Buck had never been great at hiding his emotions, but he had no reaction. "Thanks," he replied quietly. "That means a lot."

Did it? Or did he simply not believe him?

"Your food is getting cold," Buck pointed out, effectively changing the subject, leaning back against the cushions. "You said you needed to talk to me. What did you want to talk about?"

"Um…" Eddie was floundering, confused and concerned. "I just… I mean, I just wanted to talk to you one-on-one, I guess."

"About Ana?"

"No," he said emphatically. "What's going on with you? Therapy is still going okay?"

Buck nodded, shrugging. "Yeah, it's fine. I had a session with Dr Copeland and my parents, which was… weird? I think they're making an effort with me, but… I don't know, there's a part of me that wonders if it's worth it, but ultimately, I think putting the past behind me is a good thing. I can't change anything that happened, but… I can start thinking about the future."

Eddie smiled encouragingly at him. "That’s good, right? You can start thinking about dating without falling into those old patterns."

"Yeah, but I'm not thinking about dating right now."

"No, you need to work on yourself. Put yourself first."

Buck gave him a sharp look. "Right," he said, and stood. "Anyway, I better take off. Albert wants to go for a hike tomorrow before he goes to work, and he's a real pain in the ass about it."

Suddenly inexplicably jealous, Eddie asked, "Where do you guys usually go?"

"Just up to the canyon. Hey, I was thinking…" he trailed off, and then shook his head. "No, never mind."

"What?" Eddie prompted him, rising to his feet as well.

Buck shrugged. "Well, Christopher is feeling a bit cooped up – there's a couple of easy trails that he might like? If you guys wanted to come, we could let Albert go off on his own and I could hang with you guys."

"Is it crowded?" Eddie asked worriedly.

Buck shook his head. "No, we usually time it to miss the early morning crowd. We'll wear masks, and if Chris gets tired, I'll carry him on my back and sprint – he loves that. Do you want to come?"

He hesitated only briefly, and then said, "Yeah, for sure."

"Okay. I'll swing by here and pick you guys up on the way – say around nine? I'll text you."

Eddie nodded eagerly. Buck was smiling at him, everything was okay… everything was _okay_.

~

Except it wasn't, because it hit him as he collapsed onto his bed that Christopher wanted him to be with Buck, which meant… he was going to have to have a _talk_ , about how they were just friends – best friends – but that's all it would be, and yes he was dating a woman but that didn't mean things were going to change… for now.

He was beginning to realise that Ana might not be the person he was looking for. He didn't believe in soul mates or any of that bullshit. He didn't even really believe in love at first sight. He and Shannon had dated and fallen in love over time – the fact that she'd fallen pregnant only a few months into their relationship had probably helped to speed things along. Things were different then – he was a lot younger, less cautious. He didn't have a son to worry about. He didn't have a decade's worth of baggage to deal with, and the fact that even after nearly two years, Shannon's death still loomed large in his mind.

And Ana was a lovely woman. They had an easy rapport, and he could tell that she found him attractive, but the spark wasn't there. Something wasn't clicking.

She was educated and accomplished; she'd travelled all over the world, had her doctorate… he just felt like they weren't compatible. They didn't really have much in common, aside from similar families and backgrounds. His life was consumed by Christopher and always would be, he worked long hours and when he wasn't at work, his downtime was spent with Christopher and Buck, relaxing.

Ana had a life full of friends and adventures. She worked long hours as well, travelled frequently, and was even undertaking online courses. The time they were able to spend together was few and far between, and he was fine with that.

He liked her a lot – she was a great person, but for him, it was feeling like more of a friendship than a romance. The fact that he'd spent their last few dates wishing he was with Buck and Christopher spoke volumes, but he kept pushing those feelings aside and trying to persevere.

Why?

His parents would _love her_.

They would be overjoyed, and for once, maybe he wouldn't disappoint them. He could bring home an accomplished, beautiful Latina woman, with no baggage. She was a vice principal – what could they possibly have against that? They'd been so steadfastly against Shannon, right from the very start.

They would love Ana, and he wanted their approval _so badly._

He rolled onto his side, reaching for his phone. He'd changed his background to a picture of Buck and Christopher, their faces covered in paint – a backyard art experiment that had turned into a paint fight, which then turned into Eddie practically scrubbing them both clean while they laughed like a pair of co-conspirators.

He went into his photos, and found the video from that day – Buck, in a white shirt and jeans, various shades of paint dripping off him as he laughed for the camera, and Christopher, who was on the grass – literally rolling on the grass, holding his stomach, giggling helplessly.

Eddie watched it a few times, and then clicked to the next video – Buck, sleeping on the couch, snoring lightly, a line of drool dripping down his chin, with Christopher tucked up against him, his eyes trained on the television.

And the next – Buck, cooking dinner for them, his back to the camera, until he turned and flashed Eddie an easy, genuine smile.

The one after was Buck, and then Christopher and Buck, Buck at work, Eddie and Christopher (filmed by Buck) – his photos, videos, everything… Buck was everywhere.

God, he was everywhere. All of Eddie's stories involved Buck. They made plans together without even thinking about it – Buck would be free; he was always free to be with them. Christopher followed him around, asked his opinion and listened to what he had to say. Christopher cared more about Buck than he did his own grandparents, though Eddie wondered if that wasn't his fault. He'd discouraged them from visiting so many times.

He rolled onto his back, tapping the phone screen thoughtfully, and then sent Buck a video of the paint fight and said, _No fake family here. We're the real deal. See you in the morning._

He waited for a response – the three dots appeared, and then disappeared, until Buck finally replied with a smiley face, followed almost immediately by, _get some sleep old man it's late_

He laughed, but he sent through another photo of the three of them at the beach, to hopefully drum it home. Buck wasn't going anywhere.

~

It was Christopher that had Eddie worried, though he woke up with a smile on his face, and they ran through their usual morning routine before sitting down for breakfast together.

"Eat up," he said, slicing a banana over Christopher's bowl of cereal. "We're going for a walk with Buck soon."

"We are?" Christopher's eyes lit up. "Really?"

"Yeah, kiddo. Really." Eddie smiled at him. "And listen… I know you told Buck that you were worried about who I've been spending time with. She's just a friend – nothing is going to change, all right?"

Christopher nodded, though his smile dimmed somewhat. "When do you go out again?"

"Not until next week," he promised. "We're seeing Buck today, and he'll be over like normal. Like always."

Christopher had a bite of cereal, and then murmured, "So why can't you and Buck just be together?"

Eddie faltered. Was he really going to have to explain sexuality to his kid? Was it that time already?

"Well…" he said slowly, and then took a fortifying sip of coffee. "Well, there's a thing called sexuality. So if you're a man who likes women, you're straight. If you're a man who likes other men, you're gay; if you're a woman who likes women, you're a lesbian – and if you're a man or a woman who likes _both_ , you're bisexual. There's other stuff too, but those are the basics."

Christopher nodded again, gazing at him with interest.

"So I like women," he said. "And Buck does too." _Only he doesn't only like women, but let's not mention that._ "So… we're just not a match there."

Christopher made a face. "But what if you changed?" he asked. "Can you change your mind?"

"Um… maybe?" he said.

"So change your mind."

"Chris… I… there's a lot to think about, it's not as easy as just changing my mind. Buck doesn't feel that way about me."

"But you feel that way about him?"

"No—"

"Then why? I want him to be with us." All the happiness had faded from Christopher's face, and he was gripping his spoon, gazing at Eddie determinedly. "Forever."

"Buck might meet someone else," he said, a little desperately. "Please, Chris… I know how much you love Buck. I love him too."

"You loved Mom," he said matter-of-factly.

"That was different."

Christopher looked around their house and said, "I don't understand."

Eddie turned to face him fully. "Okay – it's not like you can just turn it off and on like a light," he tried to explain.

"No," Christopher said dismissively, shaking his head. "I mean, why don't you love Buck? I thought you did. I thought… you and Buck were… going to tell me that you were together. That we were a family?" He looked so lost and confused that Eddie's heart seized.

"Why would you think that?" he asked gently.

"Because you're in love," he said simply, tears filling his eyes. "Aren't you? He loves you."

Eddie stared at his son, wise beyond his years, stunned. "He does?"

Christopher nodded emphatically.

"He said that?"

"No, but I know Buck. You do too." Christopher reached out and touched Eddie's cheek. "You smile at him like you smile at me."

"I do?" he asked weakly.

Christopher nodded. "He makes you laugh so much. He's always making you laugh. He cooks all your favourite things. He learned how to cook Abuela's recipes for us."

There was a lump in his throat. "He did," he murmured. "Yeah, he did."

"He buys you things. He wanted to buy the new coffee machine."

He nodded, sitting back, swallowing hard. "He's our best friend," he said numbly.

"More," Christopher replied. "He's our family, Dad. Why do you want someone else?"

Because he was… supposed to be with a woman.

He was supposed to find Christopher a new mother.

He was supposed to bring home a beautiful woman to his parents and say, _look. Look at her. I found someone worthy. You have no reason to be disappointed in me now – I am on the path you always wanted._

Christopher was staring at him. Eddie closed his eyes, shaking his head, and said, "I… don't know. It's complicated."

"Doesn't seem like it." Christopher picked up his spoon and took a bite of cereal.

He was even more confused than ever. Christopher was astute – he always had been. Maybe it was a result of having challenges and health issues at such a young age, but he'd always seemed wise beyond his years. Shannon had commented on it once or twice – that Christopher understood more of what was going on than he admitted.

Eddie had made a vow to himself that he would only act in Christopher's best interests; that he wouldn't be selfish – that he would listen to his son when he told him what he wanted. Christopher wanted Buck, and the truth was that Eddie did too… he wanted Buck with them as well; it was why he gave him a key and told him he could come and go as he pleased. It was why he even had some of Buck's clothes stored away, why he kept his favourite foods stocked… why he kept a spare blanket in the cabinet in the living room, to cover Buck with when he inevitably fell asleep.

God, he was _so confused_ – and before he had a chance to wonder why, the front door banged open and Buck called, "Hey, sorry I'm early, but I brought doughnuts and coffee."

Eddie looked up as he bustled into the room, and realised Christopher was positively _beaming_ , wiggling in his seat like an excited puppy as Buck dumped a box of Dunkin' Donuts on the table and set a coffee down in front of Eddie.

"What's this?" he asked Christopher, gesturing to the bowl of cereal. "I thought you guys would've eaten by now."

"We had a late start," Eddie explained, reaching over to open the box. "How come you're up so early?"

"Albert woke me up," Buck replied disapprovingly, dropping into a seat at the table. "He's going to meet us there."

Christopher leaned over, eyeing the doughnuts eagerly. Eddie passed him a chocolate one and took a plain glazed one for himself, dipping it into his coffee.

"Did you tell your dad about the movie?" Buck asked Christopher, who shook his head, his mouth full of food. "You didn't tell him about the cow?"

Christopher's eyes went wide, and he turned to Eddie, gesturing excitedly, unable to speak.

"We were talking about other things, but I remember the scene," Eddie said, resting his head on his hand, smiling at Christopher. "I knew you'd love it. I wish I'd been there. We'll go see another movie together."

"Yeah, I've downloaded the schedule, we'll pick something," Buck replied easily. "Whenever you're free."

Eddie met his eyes, but Buck almost instantly looked away, turning to his phone. "I'm free whenever," he said. "You know that."

"Sure. When do you want me to babysit again?"

There was an edge to his tone, and Eddie was instantly on guard. "She's invited me over for dinner next week," he said carefully. "On Thursday."

Christopher gave him a sharp look. "Why?" he demanded.

Eddie faltered, glancing at Buck for help, but Buck was staring at his phone pointedly. "Um, she wants to cook me dinner," he said. "So I said yes."

He watched Buck's eyebrows lift and his jaw tighten.

Christopher grimaced, shaking his head.

They were all quiet, the mood in the room tense, until Buck said to Christopher, "We'll have fun, just the two of us. Come on, you guys. We need to get going."

Eddie tried to make eye contact with him, but Buck was sipping his coffee, his eyes trained on his phone.

~

When they arrived at the canyon, Buck showed him a map of the trails and pointed out an easy route to take Christopher. "It's downhill," he explained, "and there's a really pretty stream about halfway."

"Or you could come with me," Albert said from behind them, shirtless, stretching his arms over his head, "and do the hard track, and we'll catch up with them."

Torn between wanting a decent workout and not wanting to be seen as abandoning them, Eddie turned to Buck, who held up his phone and said, "If you do the whole track in under an hour and meet us at the stream, I'll buy you lunch. But I don't think you can do it."

"So much faith in me," Eddie argued. "Okay. Lunch? I get to choose?"

"Whatever you want."

Christopher giggled at them, smiling up at Eddie. "Pick burgers," he said. "I think you can do it."

"Thanks, kiddo. Okay, I'll meet you guys at the stream," he said, "in less than an hour."

"You got music?" Buck asked.

Eddie nodded, holding up his phone.

"Okay. See you there," Buck replied with a grin.

Eddie watched him lead Christopher over to the start of the easy trail, chatting with him animatedly, and then turned to Albert. "You're really going to race me?"

"I'm going to go at my pace – whether you can keep up with that pace remains to be seen," Albert said cockily. "You ready?"

Eddie put in his Airpods, found a suitable playlist, and nodded. "Let's go."

* * *

**Christopher**

He and Buck walked side-by-side down the dirt walking track – it was even enough, but Buck kept a hand on his back to ensure he didn't trip or slip over.

They passed by a few people, but he was wearing his mask, and Buck made sure they gave everyone a wide berth. It was nice to be outside again – he could see birds playing in the trees; the sky was a bright shade of blue and Buck was telling him stories about how awesome his Dad was at work.

"So the cat was right at the top of the tree," Buck explained to him animatedly, "and your Dad was supposed to go up in the ladder to rescue it, but instead he said to us that he could climb the tree. And Bobby tried to argue with him, but he said he could do it, and he _did_. The man who owned the cat got stuck at the top, but your Dad just effortlessly climbed the tree and brought the cat down to safety."

"He's so cool."

"Yeah, he's the coolest," Buck said with a grin.

They came to a picnic area, and he stopped, needing a break but not wanting to ask for one. Thankfully Buck sat down at one of the tables and opened his backpack, pulling out a bottle of water, which he held out to Christopher. Christopher sat beside him, took off his crutches and accepted the bottle gratefully.

They sat in silence for a few moments. Buck checked his phone and said, "Your Dad is making great time; he's keeping up with Albert."

"How do you know?" Christopher asked, leaning over to peer at the phone screen.

"We're on this app where we track each other's workouts," Buck explained. "It's just a little bit of friendly competition. Your Dad is doing really well. He should definitely make it to us in under an hour."

"I'm sorry you couldn't go running with him, Buck," he said, suddenly feeling guilty.

Buck shook his head. "I'm not sorry. I don't want to go running," he said disdainfully, and Christopher giggled. "I want to hang out with you."

"Good." Christopher sipped the bottle of water again and then said, "Dad told me about gay and straight."

Buck looked surprised. "He did?"

"Uh huh. He said that you're both straight."

"Right." Buck pursed his lips, nodding. "Yep."

Christopher leaned against him. "What's the lady like?"

"I don't know. I haven't met her."

"Will you meet her before I will?"

Buck lifted his shoulders. "Maybe? Your Dad is being pretty quiet about it."

That was worrying. Maybe Dad really liked her? He didn't want a replacement for his Mom. He missed her so much, all the time – and suddenly there were tears in his eyes, and he looked away from Buck, sniffling.

"Hey," Buck said in a soft voice. "It's okay."

"I miss my Mom," he whispered.

"Aw, kiddo." Buck wrapped an arm around his shoulders and pulled him in close. "I know you do. I wish I could've met her properly. She loved you so much."

He nodded, wiping his eyes. "I'm scared," he admitted, and looked up at Buck tearfully. "Because she left me once, and then… she left me again, forever. What if everyone leaves?"

A look of sorrow flashed across Buck's face. He swallowed hard, took a deep breath and said, "Okay, I'm going to tell you a story about me, when I was young."

He nodded.

Buck seemed to be thinking of what to say, his lips twisting back and forth. "When I was a little boy, I had Maddie, and she was my all-time number one favourite person. I never really felt like people listened to me," he explained. "I felt like I was ignored. Our parents didn't pay too much attention to me."

How someone could not want to pay attention to Buck was unheard of. Christopher frowned deeply.

"And then when I was a teenager, Maddie met her first serious boyfriend, and she moved away with him," he said. "So I was pretty devastated. I lost my best friend… I didn't know what to do. I spent a long time on my own, wandering around by myself. I'd meet new people here and there, but no one ever really stuck until I started at the 118. And then one day, after I'd been there a year, your dad walked in."

Christopher glanced up at him, and found Buck smiling wistfully. "He's your best friend."

"Yeah, he is. After I met you and your Dad, I stopped looking for my family," he said, nudging him with his shoulder. "Because I found you guys. My Diaz boys."

Christopher couldn't stop smiling. "We are your family."

"Yeah, you are. Here's the thing, kiddo – when Maddie left, it felt like the end of the world, but she came back and now we're closer than ever. Sometimes people might have to leave for whatever reason, but it doesn't mean they don't still love you. I knew that even though we weren't speaking – she still loved me. And I loved her." Buck hugged him close. "I know change is scary, and I know you've had a tough time this year - but us three, kiddo? Us three are forever. And I won't ever leave you, Chris. I'm not going anywhere. You will always have me around."

He nodded, and hugged Buck from the side. "I love you, Buck."

"I love you too," he said, kissing the top of his head. "You're my best friend."

"Mine too." Christopher was close to tears again, but he heard a rustling from the bushes and turned to look. "What's that?"

Buck lifted his head – both watching and waiting, when a bunny rabbit emerged from the undergrowth and looked around, nose wiggling as it sniffed the air. Christopher sucked in a gasp, trying to remain silent, as the bunny wandered out cautiously, followed by three little baby bunnies.

"Buck," he whispered. "Look."

Buck held a finger to his lips, and they watched as the little family hopped out onto the track.

* * *

It was not an easy track, and Eddie was breathing hard as they climbed the steepest part – though, Eddie managed to keep pace with Albert easily enough. They reached the summit, with a view of LA, and he paused to take a drink and catch his breath.

Albert was stretching his legs out on a wooden bench, and he glanced over at Eddie and said mildly, "So, you got a girlfriend now, huh?"

"It's not… we're not there yet," he replied awkwardly, mopping sweat from his brow. "It's really early."

Albert nodded, straightening up and stretching his arms out. "Yeah, Buck mentioned that."

"He talked about me?"

"He always talks about you, and texts you, and goes to your house, and looks after your kid…" Albert trailed off, closing his mouth, turning away from Eddie slightly. "But you're best friends, so yeah."

Taken aback, he asked, "Are you… jealous or something?"

Albert laughed. "No."

"Okay," he said, confused. "I'm not… using him, or anything…"

"No," Albert replied, though he sounded entirely unconvinced. "I'm sure you don't think you are."

Eddie gave him a sharp look. "Has he said something?"

"No." Albert shrugged at him. "He hasn't." _But other people have._

Concerned, Eddie twisted his lips, shaking his head. "It's – I just—"

"I'm not interested in an explanation, you do what you gotta do, and he's never going to say no," Albert interjected. "Just letting you know. Come on; if we don't get going, you won't win the bet."

He nodded, glancing at his watch. "Okay," he replied, shoving his headphones in again.

Albert's words echoed in his mind as they jogged down the trail, winding around the mountainside. _He's never going to say no._

Because… Buck had always felt like a ghost in his own house. Buck had always been searching for his family; a place where he'd be accepted without question. That was with Eddie and Christopher – it had been ever since they'd moved to Los Angeles, and both Eddie _and_ Christopher, independently of each other, had chosen Buck as their best friend.

Music was blasting in his ears, and Buck's words from the night before flashed into his head. _Fake family._ How many fake families had Buck had? Did he really believe that Eddie and Christopher were going to abandon him?

And then, as they rounded a bend and jogged through a grove of trees, it hit him. _Of course he thought he was going to be abandoned_. Right from the start, he'd been cast aside, with only Maddie as his true, constant family. His parents were ambivalent, too wrapped up in their own grief. Friends had come and go. He'd spent years wandering around trying to find his people, until he finally found them at the 118. He'd fallen in love with Abby and she'd abandoned him without saying goodbye. He'd tried again with Ali, and she'd abandoned him when the reality of his job proved too much for her.

Out of everyone in his life, Eddie and Christopher were the only two people who had accepted him for who he was right from the start and welcomed him into their family with open arms. Since Shannon's death they had both leaned on Buck, and when the shit hit the fan with his parents, he'd leaned right back on them – and they'd supported him every step of the way. They were a family; a real family. Not a fake family.

But it tracked for Buck – the moment he started feeling comfortable, things would be upended… and now Eddie was dating Ana. The upheaval. The start of the abandonment.

_Fuck._

He'd slowed to a walk without realising, lost in thought – wondering what he needed to do to make it right. Realistically, he knew what the answer was – he had to break up with her, and figure out what the fuck was going on between him and Buck, but…

He kept thinking about how happy his parents would be, and he hated himself for it.

"You okay?" Albert called – he'd doubled back, seemingly realising that Eddie wasn't behind him anymore. "The stream is just up here."

Eddie nodded, holding his thumb up, and began to move again. He was running to Buck, wasn't he? Running to him and Christopher, to reunite with them. His family.

They rounded a bend, and to his shock, he spotted Christopher alone in the distance, standing on the path with his crutches.

"Hey, is that—"

"Christopher!" Eddie bellowed, and broke into a sprint. "Christopher?!"

Christopher looked towards him with surprise, a smile on his face. "Did you win?" he called.

Eddie shook his head and skidded to a stop beside him, dropping to his knees. "Where's Buck?" he demanded. "Are you okay?"

Christopher nodded, just as Buck emerged from the trees. "Buck fell down."

Eddie glanced up and realised Buck was bleeding – both hands, his forearms and he'd scraped both knees. Albert let out a laugh, and Buck shot him a pointed look.

Eddie stood, holding his hands out, examining him with concern. "What the hell happened?"

There was blood on Buck's face, both his hands, one of his forearms and blood stained his sweats at the knees. Buck rolled his eyes, shaking his head. "Bunny rescue," he said, as Christopher laughed.

"There was a baby bunny," Christopher added excitedly. "Buck saved it!"

Buck grinned, and then said to Eddie, "I kind of rolled down a hill, but I'm okay."

"You're _not_ ," Eddie replied, checking him over. "You're really not. You've got debris in your palms. We'll have to clean this out. Can you walk? How's your leg?"

"I'm okay, Eddie," Buck reassured him. "I'm fine."

"Answer the question."

He sighed, patting his leg. "It's fine, I swear. Come on."

Eddie released him, chewing on his bottom lip anxiously, before turning to Christopher. "Okay, kiddo, climb on my back," he said, dropping down. Christopher's arms went around his neck automatically, and once he was secure, Eddie lifted him up. "Let's go."

"What's this about a bunny rescue?" Albert asked, as they started down the trail together.

~

It turned out that they'd been watching a mother rabbit and her babies cross the path when a couple of joggers had come by and startled the group. The mother had taken off and accidentally left one of the babies behind. Buck explained that he thought it was the runt of the litter, and he'd let Christopher hold it for a few minutes until he located the mother, and then carefully returned the baby to her. On his return to the path, he'd slipped and fallen down an embankment, and despite him reiterating repeatedly that he was fine, he was clearly limping and in pain.

Eddie decided that Buck would come home with them, and they bid goodbye to Albert, who was going to do another circuit on the trails by himself. Eddie took the keys to the jeep from Buck and forced him into the passenger seat. He didn't have a medical kit in the car, so Eddie could only wash off his scrapes with water and wrap his hands in a clean towel before helping Christopher into the backseat.

Buck was quiet on the car ride home, though Christopher was full of excitement about the bunny and wanted one of his own. Eddie shut that down quickly, shaking his head – one hamster was enough.

"I never had a pet when I was a kid," Buck said, just as they turned onto Eddie's street. "I always wanted a dog."

Eddie glanced at him. "We had dogs."

"I'd want that," Buck said, nodding firmly. "A golden retriever."

"You are a golden retriever," Eddie replied, casting him an affectionate look.

Buck smiled at him warmly. "And you're a German Shepherd. That's why we work so well together."

"Is that a thing? German Shepherds and Golden Retrievers work well together?"

"If it's not, it should be."

"What am I?" Christopher piped up from the backseat.

"You're a Labrador," Buck said instantly, and Christopher began to giggle. "Most definitely. A sunshine dog."

Eddie pulled the car into the driveway. "How come I'm the big scary dog?" he complained.

Buck shook his head. "Not scary," he replied, his eyes trained on him. "Tough on the outside; soft on the inside. That's you."

"I'm not soft," Eddie replied, turning the car off.

Buck chuckled affectionately. "Yeah, you are," he said with a grin. "You really are. Hey, I'll take myself to urgent care—"

"I can patch you up," Eddie interrupted. "Come on."


	2. Chapter 2

To Buck's surprise, Eddie marched him down to his bedroom and said, "Strip out of your sweats and wait for me to come back."

He wasn't going to argue with Eddie's tone, so he did as he was told. His body was stiff and aching, and when Eddie returned to the room with his medical bag, Buck was trying to stretch his sore back.

"You're hurt," Eddie said from the door, dark eyes trained on him with concern. "You're bruised."

"I'm fine," he said automatically.

"No, you're not." Eddie closed the door, gesturing to the bed. "Sit."

Buck did as he was told, rolling his shoulders. "Where's Chris?"

"Eating a doughnut and watching TV." Eddie stood over him, examining his hands. "You braced yourself with your hands when you fell, didn't you?"

He nodded, suddenly feeling exhausted. "Yeah."

"I'm going to need to clean these wounds. Take your shirt off." Eddie folded his arms across his chest, taking a step back, and Buck offered no protest, simply pulling his damp and sweaty t-shirt over his head and tossing it to the side.

Eddie examined him and found a large scrape on the left side of his ribs – that was from a tree branch; he vaguely remembered that. Eddie planted both hands on his shoulders, and Buck looked up at him with raised eyebrows, turning his head to the side so he could examine the abrasion to his cheek.

"You've really done a number on yourself," Eddie murmured. "Good thing you're not working until Monday; you're going to need the break. Okay; I'm going to clean you up."

"Thanks," he said, embarrassed. "Sorry, I—"

"You have nothing to apologise to me for," Eddie said gently. "Okay?"

He nodded, but said, "You must've been freaked out when you saw Chris alone—"

"I knew you'd be nearby; it's okay." Eddie dabbed some antiseptic onto the scrapes on Buck's left knee, focused on the task at hand. He gently extended Buck's leg, examining the faded scars from multiple surgeries, and said, "Does it still hurt sometimes?"

Buck hesitated. It was his default setting to lie, because it did – of course it did. His leg hadn't been the same since and probably wouldn't ever be. "Yeah, sometimes," he admitted.

"Does it hurt now?" Eddie flexed Buck's ankle back and forth, his eyes trained on him, trying to gauge his reaction.

"No, it's fine," he said, and when Eddie arched an eyebrow at him, he laughed and said, "Honestly."

"Yeah, but you're never honest when you're in pain." Eddie examined the scars again, his lips twisted. "My wrist still hurts sometimes, you know. My shoulder and thigh aren't a problem, but my wrist… especially if it rains?" He held his hand out – Buck had seen the white scar before, and the one on his shoulder, but he took Eddie's hand and ran his fingers over it.

"I bet that hurt," he murmured, turning Eddie's hand over.

"I don't really remember," Eddie replied. "I mean, I know it was painful, but… there was a lot happening."

"Yeah." Buck met his eyes. "Sometimes I forget you're a war hero."

Eddie shook his head. "I'm not. I just did what I was trained to do." He grasped Buck's hand, leaning in to examine the scrapes to his palm. "You can ask me, if you want," he offered. "I can talk about it."

He'd never made that offer before – they'd only discussed it in the barest detail. Buck hadn't wanted to pry, but he'd googled the story once, and read an article from an El Paso newspaper about Eddie's heroics. That was all he'd needed to know; he'd decided long ago that he'd never ask.

Buck shook his head, watching as Eddie carefully cleaned his wound. "I never wanted to be one of those people," he said, and Eddie looked up at him questioningly. "You know – they found out you have a Silver Star and they want to know what you did to get it."

"Ah." Eddie nodded, reaching over to grab a wound pad from his medical kit. "I just thought maybe you weren't interested."

"No, I'm always interested in you."

A small smile was playing on his lips. "You are?"

"Yeah. Why do you think I spend so much time following you around?"

Eddie chuckled, carefully wrapping Buck's palm with gauze. "I thought it was the other way around," he murmured.

They were silent while Eddie finished cleaning both his hands – his right hand wasn't too bad and didn't need wrapping. Eddie worked methodically, gently, warning him before he applied the antiseptic and then blowing on the open wounds, as if that would magically take away the sting.

_Such a dad_ , Buck thought affectionately. _He and Ana will make some beautiful kids._

And with that sobering thought, he felt the walls closing in again. Eddie – his Eddie – belonged to someone else now, and he would have to move on as well.

Move on from _them._

The thought was almost unbearable. How could he? He loved them, but he knew, unequivocally, that Eddie was straight. Eddie was _straight._

"You've got some dirt in your knee," Eddie murmured, shining a light on the wound on Buck's right knee. "This might sting, okay? I'll have to clean it out."

"It's okay, do what you have to do," he replied automatically, and as he watched Eddie rummage through his medical kit, a thought popped into his head. "Can I ask you a weird question?"

"You always ask me weird questions."

"Well, add this one to the list. Did you know you wanted to be a medic?"

Eddie looked surprised. "No," he admitted. "It was assigned to me – I have the right temperament for it, apparently. You need to be cool under pressure to be able to administer medical assistance in an active warzone. You have to be able to compartmentalise – focus on one thing, and trust that the people around you will do their job and protect you," he replied, dabbing some antiseptic onto his knee. "When I joined, I thought I'd end up as just another grunt, but I was promoted quickly."

"Staff sergeant."

"Yeah, it was a big deal. My commanding officer said to me after my first year that I was the kind of man perfectly suited to the army – good at taking orders." Eddie's lips twisted. "Guess I was doing that my whole life; it made sense just to keep doing it."

"And now?" Buck asked him quietly.

"I don't mind taking orders, and I especially don't mind when they're coming from Bobby." Eddie applied a dressing to Buck's knee. "He's the reason I decided to join the 118. I got a good feeling. Plus, he talked about you."

Buck was surprised. "He did? To tell you how annoying I was?"

Eddie shook his head, glancing up at him with a smile. "No, extolling your virtues, actually. He talked about how great you are, and he was right. He's kind of like our surrogate dad… even though I still talk to my dad. Bobby gives better advice. He told me to pursue Ana."

Buck hadn't heard _that_ before. He dug his fingers into the bedspread, watching as Eddie cleaned his other knee. "He did?"

"Yeah. He told me not to miss the opportunities right in front of me."

_I'm right in front of you_ , Buck thought, frustrated. _I'm right here._

Outwardly, he had no reaction – he was getting better at that; at controlling his emotions, especially when it came to Eddie. At the end of the day, wasn't he scared of revealing too much? Of finally scaring him away for good?"

Eddie gave him a questioning look. "You okay? Is it hurting?" he asked worriedly, leaning over to blow on his knee again. "We're nearly done, I promise."

Buck gazed at him – his best friend in the _world_ , the man he trusted with his life, more than anyone – and suddenly couldn't keep the words in. "All my life I've felt like a ghost," he said, and Eddie's head snapped up. "Like I don't belong anywhere in this world. When I joined the 118, I kinda felt like I might be in the right place. Bobby, Hen and Chim – they liked me. They genuinely liked me; they weren't just putting up with me, but sometimes… my insecurities pop up and tell me that they're going to leave, just like everyone else. You know everyone I love has left me at some point, right? My parents never even tried. Maddie left me twice. Girlfriends, friends, Abby, Ali…" he trailed off. "Everyone, except you."

Eddie sat back on his haunches, dark eyes filled with worry. "And I won't," he replied. "You know I won't."

"But you will. You have a girlfriend now, and… I know my place," Buck said simply. "And it's not here. And I know you – you wouldn't have asked her out if you didn't really like her. You wouldn't be pursuing this if there wasn't something there, so there must be something… it must be real. And we need to tell Christopher that what he wants isn't going to happen, because right now, he still thinks it might."

His heart was cracking, shattering – Eddie's eyes were full of emotion, but there was a wall up, and Buck couldn't get a solid read on him.

"It's my fault," he offered. "I spend way too much time here."

"I want you here," Eddie argued. "You're not a guest here."

"I am. I'm a guest everywhere," Buck said helplessly. "Even here. We have to tell him together, Eddie—"

Eddie shook his head. "Nothing's changing," he said stubbornly, examining Buck's knee again.

"Eddie… don't make me be the bad guy here, please," Buck whispered. "Don't make me pull away and him wonder why. I promised him that I'd always be there for him."

"You're not pulling away, and you always will be there for him. Why wouldn't you always be there for us?"

"Because we both need to move on, and…"

"Buck, I'm not… I'm not the kind of person who abandons the people I love," Eddie said vehemently. "I ran away twice, and it was wrong – I'll never do it again. I just… need to see if I can do this again. The dating thing. It doesn't mean that I don't want you around or in our lives anymore."

"Don't you think it's weird that we spend so much time together?"

"No," he said instantly, and then sighed. "I don't know what I can say to you to… make you believe me. What do you want me to say?"

Buck shrugged, shaking his head. "I don't know… I don't know. Look, I know this is my shit, and I'm terrified of being abandoned again—"

"Yeah, you are," Eddie said, rummaging through his medical kit. "But I haven't said anything to you that should make you think that I don't want you around."

"So what, you're going to bring your girlfriend home and say, this is Buck, he babysits my kid, he's not going anywhere? You'll have to get used to him?"

Neither of them noticed the doorknob turn, and the door push open – they were too busy staring at each other, trapped in a vortex of anguish.

Eddie glanced at him sharply. "I'm not bringing her around. I haven't even told Christopher about her yet, Buck. You think I want to have that conversation? You think I want to say – hey, sorry kiddo, I'm dating your old teacher? She might be your new mother? Buck's not coming around anymore?" he asked sarcastically. "How am I supposed to have that conversation?"

It was at that moment that Buck realised that Christopher was leaning on the doorframe, and he sat up straight. "Christopher," he gasped, as Eddie whipped his head around. "Chris—"

"What did you say?" Christopher asked Eddie uncertainly.

Eddie shook his head, crawling across the floor to him. "I was being sarcastic," he said, holding his hands out. "That's all."

"What teacher?" Christopher looked from Eddie to Buck, his eyes watery. "Are you replacing Mom?"

"No," Eddie replied desperately. "I am definitely not replacing your Mom, okay?"

"But… you said Buck's not…"

Eddie shook his head, holding his hands out imploringly. "I was joking. Buck's not going anywhere."

Buck stood, grabbing his sweats from the floor, and yanking them on. Eddie was still on his knees, his attention solely focused on Christopher, who was shaking his head, on the verge of tears.

"We're a family," Christopher said to him, his voice shaking.

Eddie faltered. "Chris…"

Buck pulled his shirt on, and when Eddie gave him a pleading look, he just shook his head, and carefully knelt beside him, ignoring the sharp sting in his knees. "Remember what we talked about? I'll always be in your life," he said to Christopher. "You're my best friend."

Christopher's face screwed up. "Are you leaving?"

"No," Buck replied. "You're my guys."

Eddie glanced at him, biting his lip. "You're our guy," he said, resting a hand on Buck's shoulder. "We're a team, the three of us. Buck's not going anywhere."

Somewhat appeased, Christopher nodded, and held his arms out. Eddie pulled him in for a hug, meeting Buck's eyes over his shoulders.

Buck nodded at him, and then rose to his feet painfully.

"I was just making a really bad joke," Eddie murmured in Christopher's ear. "And I'm really sorry you heard that, okay? I'm really, really sorry."

"It's okay." Christopher buried his face in Eddie's neck. "Buck's definitely not leaving?"

"No way, kiddo. He's with us. He and I made a vow," Eddie replied, rubbing his back, looking up at Buck. "We're a team, forever. He has our back."

Buck nodded at them. "Yeah, you know it," he said, trying to keep his voice light. "Now I think we all need to eat some doughnuts and watch some funny movies, huh? Too much physical activity this morning."

The smile was back on Christopher's face, though it was cautious, like he was afraid that Buck might vanish at any moment. "Okay," he agreed. "Can I pick?"

Buck narrowed his eyes at him. "As long as it's animated."

Christopher giggled. " _Coco_?"

"Deal."

* * *

Over the course of the following week, Eddie felt like he was on eggshells at home and around Buck. He was trapped in his own head, not sure who to trust to speak to – his first instinct was Hen, and he was working up the courage to speak to her on the Monday at work when she had to leave suddenly. Denny had a gastro bug and wouldn’t stop vomiting, and Karen had to take him to the hospital.

So with Hen out of the question, that left Chimney – and while he loved Chimney, and they were great friends, he wasn't going to sit down with Buck's future brother-in-law and have a serious discussion about his complicated feelings for Buck.

There was Bobby, but… it was kind of an odd thing to discuss with a captain, so he dismissed the idea – and then completely wrote it off when he ascended the stairs to find Bobby speaking with Buck in the kitchen quietly, one hand on his shoulder, as Buck gazed at the floor and nodded unhappily.

What was _that_ about? Ordinarily Eddie would simply quiz Buck for answers, but with things between them so uncertain, it was out of the question.

He wasn't accustomed to them being so delicate with each other. Buck came over for dinner on Monday night, and it was like they were both holding their breath around each other, not revealing too much – not acting like themselves. If Christopher noticed, he didn't comment on it – he seemed happy just to have Buck there, like always.

Eddie left them alone while he sorted out their laundry, and when he returned to the living room, all he could do was stop and watch as Buck sat on the floor with his back to the couch, complaining good-naturedly while Christopher tried in vein to shape his curly hair into something of a Mohawk.

Eddie watched his son giggle helplessly, and suddenly caught sight of the framed picture of Shannon and Christopher on the wall – there was another person in his life once who'd made him laugh like that. If he introduced Christopher to Ana as his girlfriend, would she make him smile? Would she listen to him seriously and answer his questions? Would she love him the way Buck did?

He didn't think so.

Later that night they put Christopher to bed, and then before Buck could leave Eddie took him into the bathroom and examined his scrapes again. Buck watched him silently, a soft smile on his face, and Eddie suddenly remembered his serious discussion with Bobby.

"What were you and Bobby talking about today?" he asked curiously.

Buck rolled his eyes. "My parents… we had a session first thing this morning, before work, and… it didn't go well," he said quietly. "And uh… Mom doesn't want to do another one, but Dad says he's going to talk her around, and that she just needs time."

"I can't imagine losing… my son," Eddie murmured, briefly flashing back to those awful few seconds when he thought he _had_.

Clearly Buck was thinking the same thing because his eyes almost instantly began to shine with tears. "Me either. Worst day of my life," he said, his face contorting ever so slightly, before he turned his head to the side. "Worst day."

Without thinking, Eddie stepped into his space and slid his arms around him in a hug. Buck froze for a moment, before resting his chin on Eddie's shoulder and hugging him back.

"Thank you again for that," Eddie said in his ear. "You never gave up."

"Never." Buck's grip increased on him slightly. "I never would… not for either of you."

Eddie closed his eyes and whispered, "I wouldn't for you, either. Ever."

He should feel weird, hugging his best friend, but being so close to him felt nothing but right. Buck made no move to release him, and they swayed back and forth silently, until Buck finally cleared his throat, patted his back, and released him.

Eddie met his eyes, let out a breath and then smiled at him. "You did good, you know. You always do."

Buck turned pink, and then murmured, "Yeah, well… I'd do anything for the people I love. You know that."

"Yeah, I do," he said, reaching for a wound dressing. "And listen… if you can't ever resolve things with your parents, you know… you have a whole family here. And we'd never abandon you."

Buck nodded. "That's exactly what Bobby said. Great minds think alike."

Eddie grinned, and thought for what must have been the thousandth time – _Your parents were fucking crazy to give up on you. Look at what they missed out on._

* * *

"So what's going on with you?" Maddie asked Buck curiously, reaching out to take his hand. "You've been quiet lately. I'm worried."

It was Wednesday night, and they were alone while Chimney and Albert went out to pick up their food. Buck was on the couch in Maddie and Chimney's apartment, one leg tucked under him. He was healing, but Maddie had exclaimed with worry over his injuries when he'd first arrived, concerned that something had happened at work.

"No," Chimney had said dryly. "He fell down a hill helping a bunny rabbit."

Now he and Maddie were seated side-by-side, and she had his hand planted firmly onto her belly, both patiently awaiting a kick from the baby. He was yet to feel it, but tonight was the night – he was determined.

"I'm doing okay," he said, trying to sound convincing.

"You're still in therapy?"

"Yeah, I had a session this afternoon."

A session in which he'd sat on the floor of his bedroom and cried to Dr Copeland about how terrified he was that Eddie was going to leave him as well – but Maddie didn't need to know the specifics.

"And you're still talking to Mom and Dad?" Maddie prompted.

He nodded. "We're speaking on the phone once a week.

"That's good. Are you feeling… okay about everything?" she asked delicately. "Remember, you can talk to me whenever you want—"

"No, I really am doing okay," he reassured her. "I'm working through everything."

"Yeah, but something is bothering you. Chimney said you've been off at work lately, and Albert said you're not your usual, happy self." Maddie was gazing at him with concern. "Talk to me, Evan."

He let out a breathy laugh, shrugging. "I don't know… if I tell you what's going on, you definitely won't tell Chim, right?"

"I promise," she said, holding up her pinky finger.

He hesitated, but linked it with his, putting his trust in her completely. "It's Eddie," he said, unable to meet her eyes. "He's seeing someone."

"Chim mentioned that," she said sympathetically. "And I know you've been spending a lot of time with him and Christopher during the pandemic."

"Before that as well," he replied. "We always do things together. I kinda feel like… he doesn't need me anymore. Like he was using me."

"Eddie's not like that."

"Isn't he? It would fit my terrible pattern of trusting people who only want me for one thing," Buck pointed out unhappily. "Except with Eddie, it's… I don't know. So he's not alone?"

"He's your best friend," Maddie replied emphatically. "Have you talked to him about this?"

"Kinda."

"What does he say?"

He shrugged. "He says all the right things, but… I don't know if I believe him. Maddie… Dr Copeland told me to be honest about my feelings, okay? And if I tell you, you _promise_ you'll keep this to yourself? I can't have everyone at work know—"

"Evan, what you say to me stays between us," she replied, grasping both of his hands. "I'm your sister. You and I have an in-built confidentiality agreement."

He let out a chuckle, nodding. "Okay. Then… I'm totally fucking head over heels in love with Eddie and it's slowly killing me."

Maddie sucked in a breath and then pressed her hand to her mouth, nodding slowly, her eyes trained on him, full of love and concern. "Okay."

Buck swallowed hard, and continued. "All I want to do is tell him, but I know he'll reject me… and Christopher is upset, because he senses things are changing – and Eddie's upset because Christopher's upset, and… he patched up all my scrapes and… I love him so much. I could be enough for him, Maddie… I know I could. I know… they're the people I've been searching for my whole life," he admitted, his voice cracking. "I know that I could love them both with everything I have… that they would never want for anything, you know? They would never have to wonder about me, because I'm with them." A tear slipped down his cheek, and he brushed it away, shaking his head. "But he'll never feel that way about me."

Maddie's eyes were full of tears. "Oh, Evan," she whispered, with the slightest shake of her head. "Oh god. I don't know what to tell you. I don't know how to help."

"You can't," he said quietly, as keys jangled outside the door. "Don't cry; they're back."

Maddie gazed at him imploringly. "I think you need to talk to him about this," she said, as Chimney and Albert's muffled voices sounded through the closed door. "You don't know how he feels."

"He's dating a woman—"

"And I've seen the way he looks at you," she said, hauling herself upright. "Come on – we're not finished talking."

The door opened as they started to the hallway, and Chimney called cheerfully, "Food's here!"

Maddie held up a hand to them, and led Buck down to the bedroom, where she closed the door and sat on the bed.

He sat beside her again, twisting his fingers together.

She gave him a long look, and then said, "You never told me you liked guys."

"I never liked one enough to do anything about it until now," he confessed.

"Yeah, I know… I know how good Eddie looks," she replied. "And I know how you two look when you're together."

He shrugged. "He doesn't feel that way about me."

"You don't know," she replied bluntly. "You just don't know that. From what Chimney's told me, Eddie plays his cards close to his chest. Nobody ever really knows what he's thinking."

"I do," Buck replied. "I know what he's thinking… usually."

"So let's talk through it," she suggested. "Let's say, for example, that he has feelings for you too. Maybe he's scared as well – you two have this beautiful friendship, and Christopher is so devoted to you… maybe he's scared that you don't feel the same way about him? Maybe he's scared of ruining what you have?"

"Maybe," he murmured.

"Or maybe he's scared about his family," she said thoughtfully. "And what they'll say if he was to enter into a relationship with a man."

He nodded unhappily. "I know that's got to be on his mind, but… is he really going to set aside his own happiness to make them happy? If he has feelings for me, I mean."

Maddie lifted her shoulders in a shrug and said, "People do it, all the time. I would _hope_ Eddie would realise that it sets a bad example for Christopher? If he sees his father actively denying happiness to make other people happy, he's likely to follow that in his own life. Have you talked to him?"

"I can't talk to Eddie about this," he replied. "I can't tell him. It could ruin our friendship."

"You might have to," she said gently. "If he won't ever acknowledge it, maybe you need to… take a chance. Put yourself out there. Trust that the friendship you've built is strong enough to prevail."

He was silent for a moment, thinking it through. Could he do that? Tell Eddie? The thought alone was terrifying, but… maybe it was necessary.

He couldn't face that yet, so he just shook his head, and glanced at Maddie unhappily. "She's beautiful, you know," he murmured. "Ana. She's… stunning. I looked up her Instagram."

Maddie gazed at him sympathetically. "What does she do?"

"She's a vice principal, now… she's really accomplished, from what I can tell." Buck paused, and then said, "He told me he orders food that he thinks will impress her… to make it seem like he's fancier than what he is? That's not good, is it? Like… that's not something you normally do."

"No – he mustn't feel comfortable with her," Maddie said gently. "What does he eat when he's with you?"

Buck grinned, various images of Eddie flashing through his brain. "Everything. He loves spicy food – especially buffalo chicken wings with blue cheese sauce – he gets it all over his face and hands. And he makes a lot of Mexican food, chicken enchiladas and burritos. When I come over, we eat tacos or nachos a lot, or I cook them a roast or something… he loves the way I cook potatoes. I got this rendered duck fat, and you blanch the potatoes first, and then smash them with a fork, and drizzle the fat over them and cook them in the oven – they turn out really crispy on the outside but super soft inside. So I make him those a couple of times a month, and…" Buck trailed off, realising he was rambling – and Maddie was gazing at him affectionately. "Yeah. Well, I know what he likes."

"You know the old saying," she said gently. "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach."

"Obviously not." Buck picked at the bedspread. "She invited him over for dinner tomorrow. She's cooking… I'm baby-sitting."

"Oh, Buck." Maddie sighed, looking around the room. "I don't know what to suggest; I don't know how to help, and I just want to fix it for you."

"You can't. Eddie's got to… realise that he doesn’t need to do things to prove himself to other people. He doesn't always have to do the thing that society expects because it'll make his parents happy. When he thinks for himself – when he listens to his gut – he makes the right call," Buck said emphatically. "And I know him… I don't know what he's thinking right now, but I know him pretty well, and they're not clicking. He's trying to hide who he really is."

"Then it's not going to last, and you just need to let him figure it out," she suggested. "Eddie loves you… whether he's in love with you or not remains to be seen, but he _loves you._ He'll get there."

"I mean, maybe he's just straight," Buck said weakly. "In which case, there's no chance."

"Or maybe… those feelings that you're able to deal with, he's not," she replied. "Maybe he has felt that way, but out of… fear, or shame, or an obligation to do the _right thing_ , whatever that is, he's pushed them so far down inside that he's never actually dealt with them. I see how he looks at you. I really think you just need to be patient and give him some time to deal with whatever is going on in his head."

Buck nodded slowly. "Or he doubles down and decides that he'll do the thing he thinks he's supposed to do and… I lose my family, again," he said, his face contorting. "I'm going to lose them."

Maddie shook her head, tears in her eyes. "You're _not_ ," she whispered fiercely. "You are absolutely not, okay? Eddie's not like that."

"I let myself get too comfortable."

"Oh, god." Maddie pulled him in for a hug, and he buried his face against her shoulder. "It's okay. I know you've been going through a lot, but I promise you – you're not losing them. We will figure this out – and you have to talk to me, okay? Don't bottle this up."

"I won't," he murmured, sniffling loudly. "I promise I won't."

* * *

With Hen back at work, Eddie waited for an opportunity to speak to her alone, but multiple callouts meant the window was rapidly closing. He hoped to pull her aside in the afternoon, but just as he was about to send her a text and ask her to come talk to him in private, she made a surprise announcement.

"So we're looking to have a little get together for Karen's birthday on Saturday night, now that you're allowed to have a maximum of twenty people over," she said, leaning on the back of one of the dining chairs. "Just games and drinks – no karaoke, Chim, do not even ask. This is low key, chilled out and socially distanced in our backyard. Are you all free? I'm asking this, knowing full well I have already texted both Athena and Maddie, and Buck told me this morning that he had no plans for the weekend at all. Eddie?"

"I'm free," he replied, and noticed a look of relief flash across Buck's face. "Sure, that sounds great."

"No kids, just adults," she said. "Can you get a sitter for Christopher?"

He nodded. "I'll ask my Abuela; it shouldn't be a problem."

"Good. And… I was kinda hoping you might invite Ana," Hen said, arching her eyebrows at him hopefully. "How about it?"

Caught off guard, he hesitated. "Um…" _I've been wanting to talk to you about that, damn it._

"You're still dating, right?" Bobby asked him.

He nodded. "Yeah, she invited me for dinner tonight, at her place."

Chimney let out a low whistle. "Wow. Okay. Things are heating up then, right? Must be serious."

Eddie noticed Buck pulling away from them, staring at his phone, a dark expression on his face. "It's not serious," he said, a little more sharply than he'd intended. "I'll ask her."

Hen frowned. "You don't have to," she said gently. "I just thought… everyone's bringing their partners…"

At that Buck stood and nearly knocked his chair over. They all turned to him, and he said, embarrassed, "Sorry, I'll be right back," before hurrying to the stairs. They were all silent as he descended, his footsteps echoing through the almost silent station before the back door opened and closed.

"What's his problem?" Chimney asked, looking back and forth between Hen and Eddie in confusion. "He's been off all week."

"He has?" she asked. "Problems with his parents again?"

"He won't say," Bobby said, rounding the kitchen island and taking a seat at the table. "I tried to ask him what was bothering him, and he just kept saying that everything is fine."

"It's not fine. He was upset when he was over for dinner last night. I asked Albert, and he just said that Buck's had more therapy sessions than usual," Chimney said worriedly. "Maybe I should go talk to him."

"Maybe Eddie should," Hen suggested, looking over at him. "Do you know what's going on?"

He shook his head wordlessly, and then went to the stairs. "I'll talk to him."

What could he say? Buck was upset because Eddie was possibly moving on without him, and probably even more upset that Ana would be a presence at one of their get-togethers – forcing him to deal with the reality that she was a real person. A threat to his family.

Eddie found Buck at the back of the station, seated on the hood of his Jeep, texting furiously. His footsteps crunched on asphalt as he crossed the parking lot, and Buck glanced up at him, before shaking his head.

"I'm fine," he called. "I don't want to talk about it. You can go back inside."

Eddie stopped, shoving his hands in his pockets, and decided that wasn't good enough. "No," he said, wandering over to join him, leaning against the car. "No, I'd rather be out here."

Buck sighed, pocketing his phone. "I'm fine," he said stubbornly.

"You keep saying that…"

He grimaced, looking around the parking lot before murmuring, almost shamefully, "I just… I was hoping I wouldn't have to meet her."

He wasn't too surprised to hear that, and replied, "Honestly, I wasn’t expecting to introduce her to everyone so soon. It's only been a month."

"I mean, you could've said no," Buck murmured. "Now you're sticking me with Albert."

"Well, he's kinda your roommate…"

"Yeah, but…" Buck trailed off with a grimace. "You're my partner, and we're good together. It's gonna be weird."

Eddie wasn't sure why Buck was having such a strong reaction – he was usually able to get along with almost anyone, and Eddie had figured that Ana would be no exception. "What's going on with you?" he asked curiously. "Like… this isn't just you being afraid that I'm going to abandon you." Buck _rolled his eyes_ , and Eddie folded his arms across his chest, glaring at him. "What?"

"You already are," Buck muttered.

Eddie heaved a sigh, turning his head to the sky. "What do I have to do to prove to you—"

"You don't have to do anything," Buck interrupted. "I've told you that _I'm fine._ "

"You're clearly not."

Buck rolled his eyes _again_ , and that was when Eddie realised it wasn't just abandonment – he was _jealous_. Jealous of Ana? Jealous that Eddie had a girlfriend – well, a person he was seeing casually – while he was stuck with Albert?

He was trying to make sense of it when Buck suddenly said, "What do you even see in her? You think she's going to be a good replacement for Shannon?"

_Well_. On edge, Eddie said, "No."

"Then what is it? Your parents? That's the whole reason you're still seeing her?"

Fuck, Buck knew him way too well. Eddie scowled, scuffing at the ground with the toe of his boot, and said, "That's none of your business."

"It kinda is, because I'm baby-sitting your kid," Buck pointed out. "I've gone from friend to baby-sitter."

"That's not true, and you know it—"

"You're not talking to me or anyone," Buck continued. "You keep saying nothing has changed but everything has… and you keep saying I have nothing to worry about, but Eddie… I'm really fucking worried," he said, his voice cracking. "Because I don't have anything—"

"You could date," Eddie suddenly snapped, though the mere thought of Buck dating someone else twisted him up in ways he couldn't explain. "Couldn't you? You could stop being so dependent on me and find someone of your own."

He instantly regretted his words when Buck visibly flinched and turned his head to the side, on the verge of tears. "Yeah," he finally said quietly. "I could."

Guilty as fuck, Eddie said, "I didn't… I just… fuck, I just… I don't know! I don't know what to do! What do I do?"

"Go to your girlfriend's house and fuck her tonight like she wants you to," Buck said bitterly, leaping off the car. "That's what it is, isn't it? It's been a month; you've been on dates – she wants sex."

Eddie hadn't had sex in eighteen months, and he hadn't even considered it a possibility. "She's just cooking me dinner," he said numbly. "That's all?"

Buck let out a bitter laugh, shaking his head. "You've been out of the game a long time but you're not that dumb," he replied. "Have you even got condoms? You might need to stop at a store on the way."

Eddie stared at him; his mouth dry. "I'm not… we're not," he said finally. "I'll be home by eleven."

"Yeah, I bet. Just text me if you need me to stay over." Buck started away from him, his head down, arms folded across his chest.

Eddie stared after him, feeling sick – god, why was he so twisted in knots?

Did she really want to have sex?

He wasn't ready for that – and for Buck to bring it up, so bitterly, like… _that_ was what he was jealous about.

No. Surely not.

_Right?  
  
_

* * *

Buck followed Eddie home from work in his jeep, greeting Christopher and Isabel while Eddie hurried off to shower and dress for his date. Christopher was in a bad mood already, though he did give Buck a smile and a hug.

Isabel motioned for him to join her in the kitchen, and he leaned against the counter as she packed her bag. "You've met her," she said. "Yes?"

"No, not yet. On the weekend, apparently."

She made a disapproving noise. "He seems unhappy. Christopher has been in a bad mood all day. What do you think?"

"I think… Eddie needs to make a decision and stick with it," he said carefully. "But he's confused."

"Confused?"

"About what he wants, I think."

Isabel sighed, shaking her head. "He was happy before. I don't understand. She's nice? Do you think she's nice?"

"I'm sure she is; she was Christopher's English teacher," he said in a low voice, holding a finger to his lips.

She shook her head, picking up her handbag. "I would rather he be with you," she said bluntly.

Surprised, Buck said, "Um… me?"

"Yes. You two make each other happy. We can all see that. You've spent more time with Christopher than his own family has these last few months." Isabel let out a sigh, looking around the kitchen. "I had hoped. I am still hoping, Buck. Now – I did make dinner and it is in the oven for you. I've also written out some more of my recipes and left them in the folder for you to try next time you're here."

"Thanks," he said, as Eddie rounded the corner, dressed in a dark blue knit sweater and grey khakis. He looked _gorgeous_ , and Buck quickly turned his eyes to the floor, afraid that his face would give him away.

"Everything okay today?" he asked his Abuela.

"He's unhappy. Buck will cheer him up," she said shortly. "Have a nice evening."

Eddie blinked with surprise, watching as she went out to the living room to say goodbye to Christopher. "What did I do?" he asked helplessly. "What… what did she say?"

Buck just shrugged. "I don't know man, but you're gonna be late. You better go."

Eddie sighed, struggling to do up his watch. "Everyone is angry at me," he muttered.

"I'm not, Eddie."

"Yeah, you are. Don't run off tonight; we need to talk." Eddie let out a frustrated grunt, but relented when Buck stepped over and fastened the watch band for him. "Thanks."

"Stop stressing and go," Buck said, handing him the bottle of wine. "Also nice to see you spent more than ten dollars on this."

Eddie glanced at it, and then rolled his eyes. "I spent fifteen," he replied dryly. "Okay. See you later tonight."

Buck nodded, and Eddie hurried out to the living room to say goodbye to Christopher and Isabel. "I won't be late," he heard him saying to Christopher. "Have a good time tonight, all right kiddo?"

He couldn't hear Christopher's reply, but Isabel said, "Eddito, I'll walk you out."

Buck wandered out of the kitchen and watched them leave, and then raised his eyebrows at Christopher. "Let's eat some sugar."

* * *

"Come in," Ana said, holding the door open for him. She was wearing a pink and white dress, her hair pulled back in loose waves.

He stepped over the threshold, holding up a bottle of white wine. "I hope this is okay."

"More than okay," she said with a laugh, taking the bottle from him. "Let me take your jacket."

Ana lived in an apartment building near the water, and as he ventured inside, he realised she had a balcony with ocean views. "Wow," he said, impressed. "Nice place."

"Thank you," she replied, leading him towards the kitchen. "I only moved in last year, but I really like it. Did you want a beer? Dinner is in the oven, but I do have some appetisers on the bench here."

She'd laid out a small charcuterie board – three different kinds of cheeses, some prosciutto, grapes, figs, olives and crackers.

"Looks great," Eddie said, and added, "and I'd love a beer. Thanks." Buck had made a charcuterie board once as a joke, and he'd laid out all of Eddie's favourite foods on it – yellow cheese, pepperoni, Ritz crackers and stuffed jalapenos. They'd demolished the whole thing together, but… this was different. He'd never eaten gorgonzola or goat's cheese before, and he wasn't really interested in trying it.

He was nervous – Buck's words had been rattling around in his head all day. Surely her invitation didn't mean sex – they'd barely even kissed properly. He tried to put Buck out of his mind, but every time his eyes landed on something in the apartment, he was front and centre again.

_She has a bike – Buck loves biking._

_Buck has a blanket just like that in his loft._

_A whole bookshelf with lots of non-fiction – Buck would be impressed. He's only reading non-fiction at the moment._

_A well-stocked kitchen, just like Buck's._

He forced himself to snap out of it and smiled up at her when she set a cold bottle of beer in front of him. "Thanks. Hey, are you free on Saturday night?"

"Sure," she replied with surprise. "What did you have in mind?"

"Uh there's a birthday party thing… very low key," he said awkwardly. "My friend Hen, from work – her wife's birthday, and… she said I should invite you. So I am."

Ana smiled at him brightly. "I'd love to come and meet everyone you work with. Will Buck be there?"

He nodded. "Yeah, he will," he replied. "You can meet him, Bobby and everyone."

"That sounds lovely. Should I meet you, or…"

"I'll come pick you up," he offered. "If you're okay with that?"

"I'd love that," she replied. "I'm so glad you asked. That should be a lot of fun – I can't wait to meet your friends."

He nodded, taking a sip of his beer, and wondered what Buck and Christopher were doing.

* * *

Christopher's mood was at rock bottom. Buck's plan had been to keep them both busy by baking, but Christopher had hung around in the kitchen listlessly for a few minutes before wandering off to his room. Buck decided to give him some space, figuring the smell of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies were hard to resist, and he'd emerge when he was ready.

They were baking in the oven when his phone lit up – it was Maddie, calling to check in.

"I'm fine," he said when he answered – his now stock standard greeting. "Everything's fine."

"Well, I heard it all from Chim, though he doesn't know exactly why you're upset," she replied. "That Hen invited Ana to Karen's birthday party, and you vanished."

"I just couldn't… pretend," he said, rummaging through the pantry. "I don't know."

"What are you doing?"

"I'm baby-sitting. Eddie's on another date – they're at her house," he said, unable to keep the edge out of his voice. "She's cooking him dinner. That's a euphemism."

"Oh, Evan." Maddie went silent. "Do you and Christopher want to come over here?"

"No, I'm baking… and he's pretty unhappy as well," Buck replied, finally locating a box of cocoa. "I'm just going to make Eddie things he likes and leave them in the fridge in the hopes that he will… love me."

"What are you going to make?"

"These really gooey brownies he loves. Last time I made them, I put a bit of chilli powder in them for a kick and he nearly lost his mind; he ate three in one sitting." Buck closed his eyes, flashing back to Eddie with chocolate smeared around his mouth and Christopher in hysterics.

"Are you really sure you should do that?" Maddie asked gently.

"I'm just trying to take my mind off things," he replied. "It just gives me something to do."

"As long as you're okay," she said reluctantly, as Christopher appeared in the doorway to the kitchen, sniffing the air appreciatively.

"I'm fine. Hey Maddie, switch to video," he said, and waved the phone at Christopher. "Do you want to see Maddie? She's very, very pregnant now."

"Really?" Christopher nodded eagerly. "Yes."

Maddie's smiling face appeared on the screen. "Hi Christopher!"

"Hi," he said, somewhat shyly. "Are you having a baby?"

"I am – a little girl," she replied, brimming with happiness. "Do you want to see? Let me go get Chimney, so he can hold the phone and show you."

"I'm going to be an uncle," Buck said to Christopher, who took a few unsteady steps towards him, and then hugged him around the waist, leaning against him. "When they have the baby, you'll come meet her, okay?"

"Okay," Christopher agreed, looking up at him with a smile. "Do you think they'll let me hold the baby?"

"You can definitely hold the baby," Maddie said into the phone. "Chimney, come say hi to Christopher."

* * *

Ana was a good cook – he guessed, because it all looked very fancy and completely different to what he was used to. He was served a whole fish – head, eyes, tail, _everything_ – and a side salad. He wasn't the biggest lover of fish, but he copied her and squeezed some lemon over it, watching how she cut into it before doing the same.

"Do you like it?" she asked him, her eyebrows lifted hopefully. "It's a Gordon Ramsay recipe."

It tasted like fish. "It's really nice," he lied, wondering what Buck was cooking Christopher for dinner. "Delicious."

"Oh, good."

Conversation was stilted as they ate – she spoke a lot about school, and he always had stories from work to fall back on. He ate as much of the fish as he could and filled up with the side salad.

After dinner, she poured them each a glass of wine and led him into the living area. She had a plush rose-pink couch – her furniture was expensive, much nicer than anything in his house, and as he sat down, he noticed a picture of the Santa Monica Pier framed on the wall and briefly thought of Buck and Christopher in the tsunami.

What were they doing right now? His phone was silent; no messages.

* * *

"Okay," Buck said to Christopher, presiding over three different coloured cake batters. "So this is what we're gonna do. You make a base with the vanilla, see?"

Christopher watched with interest, nodding along.

"And then on top of the vanilla base I put in some dobs of chocolate," he said, "and then some dobs of strawberry. So when it cooks, and you cut into it – you'll see the different colours. And now I'll put another layer of vanilla, and then keep going like that. See?"

"What else can we put in?" Christopher asked him curiously.

"Um…" Buck went to the fridge. "There are some strawberries in here. We could make some buttercream frosting and add the strawberries on top, what do you think?"

Christopher nodded approvingly. "Let's do it."

"All right."

Buck had essentially cleaned Eddie's fridge and pantry out. He'd made the brownies, and they were cooling on the bench, but he'd decided to make another cake for everyone at work. Christopher had eaten three warm chocolate chip cookies, and Buck had eaten two on his own.

Christopher was happy, and he was keeping busy and trying not to think about what was going on with Eddie and Ana.

Could she bake cakes like he could? He guessed _not._

* * *

Eddie had well and truly run out of things to say, and he was wondering how long he needed to stay in order to be polite. They'd been silent for several long moments, and finally Ana said, "I'm going to be honest with you. I really like you, a lot. And I'd like you to meet my friends as well."

_No._ Trapped, Eddie kept his face blank. "That sounds great," he replied – but it didn't; god, he would have to impress a whole new set of people who would be asking him questions and judging him… he didn't want that.

He didn't want any of it.

She moved a little closer to him, reaching out to entwine her fingers with his. "And I know we're moving a little slowly," she said, somewhat nervously, "and I hope you'll feel comfortable enough with me to tell me about your ex-wife, at some point… and to introduce me to Christopher as your girlfriend."

_Girlfriend._

Fuck.

No.

"Eventually," he said, and she nodded understandingly. "He's… adapting to the idea of me dating. I haven't told him who it is yet."

"I suppose it's just the two of you, and this would be a huge adjustment," she replied, gazing at him with warm, dark eyes. "Him having lost his mother, and during a pandemic where he can't go to school and see his friends."

"Buck visits as much as he can," Eddie replied. "And we have regular Zoom calls with Carla… he sees his Abuela. But I can't risk him spending time with his cousins – half my family has had COVID by now. I've been so careful with him."

"But you're letting Buck see him," she said carefully. "Aren't you worried about that? Buck exposing him?"

"No," he said, shaking his head. "We're really strict about it, and Buck has been in our bubble from day one. I even lived with him for a while."

"Of course, but… the more people you spend time with, the more chance there is," she replied.

He shook his head. "Buck is totally conscious of it. He's safe; we have a system for when he visits. I can't keep Buck away from Christopher. Things are hard enough as it is. We need him," he said without thinking, and a strange look crossed her face. "I mean… he's keeping us sane. And vice versa, I hope."

"Well, after the tsunami… he and Christopher must have an incredible bond."

"We all do. I trust him with our lives," he replied with a shrug. "So… pandemic or no pandemic, Buck is non-negotiable."

Ana blinked, releasing his hand. "I see," she said quietly.

He nodded and happened to lift his eyes to the wall – there was a series of framed, retro tourism posters on the wall, and right in the middle was one for Peru.

He couldn't stop thinking about Buck.

* * *

"Buck," Christopher whispered, as they settled down in his bed together to speak to Carla on Zoom. "Is Daddy getting married again?"

"No," Buck replied, fiddling with the laptop. "He's definitely not… right now."

Christopher chewed his bottom lip, resting his head against Buck's shoulder. "I don't want him to marry someone."

"He's not, kiddo."

"Unless it's you." Christopher looked up at him with a frown, and Buck smiled down at him.

"Well, you'd be best man," he said, and Christopher giggled. "And we'd have a really big party. Post-pandemic. I'd wear a really cool suit, and we'd dress you up as well."

"In a suit."

"Yeah, you can pick the colour." Buck slipped his arm around Christopher's shoulder. "Okay, kid. Let's see how Carla's doing."

It took her no time at all to answer, and when she realised Buck was there instead of Eddie, her face lit up. "Buckaroo!"

"Hey Carla," he said – it'd been _months_ since they'd seen each other in person. "I'm on Christopher duties tonight."

Her expression darkened, and Buck suddenly realised that _Eddie hadn't told her._ "Where's Eddie?" she asked curiously. "He's working a shift without you?"

"No, he's _seeing someone_ ," Christopher replied, the smile on his face dimming. "A lady."

Carla's eyebrows shot up, and she looked at Buck pointedly. _We will be talking about this in private._ "Well, good for him – but bad for him, because he's missing out on this," she said, holding up a book. "Now, Buckaroo – you've missed a good chunk of this, but Christopher will catch you up."

"You're reading the first Harry Potter," he said. "I've read it; we're good."

"I should've known," Carla said affectionately. "How's your sister, Buck?"

"She's doing really well; two months to go," he replied. "She's still working at the call centre, but she dropped some of her shifts."

"Well, she does have to take it easy. You tell her I’m thinking about her, all right? And you give me her address so I can send her a baby shower present."

"I'll text it to you," he replied with a grin. "Let's get into the book; this kid needs to get some rest."

"How much sugar did he eat tonight?" she asked knowingly.

Buck and Christopher exchanged a look. "None," he lied, shaking his head. "None at all."

"Zero," Christopher added.

"Zilch. Nada. We just ate broccoli and chicken, right kiddo?"

"Right."

Carla was laughing, shaking her head at them affectionately. "Well, I'm not sure I believe that," she replied, but held up the book. "All right guys. Let's get into it."

~

When Christopher was asleep, Buck carried the laptop out to the dining table and took a seat. "Hey," he said, resting his head on his hand. "How are you going?"

"I'm doing okay, Buckaroo," she replied. "Wishing I could see all your lovely faces in person, that's for sure."

"Yeah, we all miss you," he said, and she smiled sadly at him. "As long as you're staying healthy—"

"Oh yes, don't worry about me, I've got hand sanitiser and masks everywhere," she said with a laugh. "A huge collection in my car. Now – let's get into it. What's Eddie doing?"

"You remember that teacher from last year?" he asked, and Carla's eyebrows shot up. "They randomly reconnected about a month ago. She's not working at the school anymore; she's a Vice Principal or something… they've been dating, and I've been baby-sitting. And Christopher… is not handling it, and neither am I."

Carla hissed through her teeth, and then said, "Buck, I… I know you've had a tough time recently, and I'm sorry I haven't been around—"

"It's not your fault," he replied with a shrug. "There's a pandemic."

"I know, but I worry about you." Carla gazed at him through the computer screen, and then said, "For almost three years now I've been watching you and Eddie, and until very recently, I never thought that you were anything more than friends. But… since this pandemic started, he talks about you constantly. And when I think back to _before_ , I realised that… he talked about you constantly _then_ , as well. I just never picked up on it or realised what was happening."

"We're friends; it doesn't mean anything. I know that nothing will happen—"

"Buck, I think… if you have feelings for him, you need to tell him," she said, and he sat up straight, swallowing hard. "The longer this thing goes on, the more Eddie will convince himself that he's doing the right thing. We both know he puts a lot of pressure on himself to be perfect. He wants approval from his parents."

"And if he brings me home, he's not going to get it," Buck muttered, rubbing his face. "I know. And I don't even know if he feels anything for me—"

"Oh come on," she cut in, shaking her head. "He lights up when you're around. He's always looking at you, talking to you – finding reasons for you to come over. He doesn't know it, but he loves you. I know he does. How could he not, Buck?"

Buck shrugged, and said, "Maybe nobody ever does, Carla… maybe I'm replaceable."

"You are the most irreplaceable," she said sternly, pointing to him through the computer screen. "Do not make me reach through this screen and smack you."

He laughed, tears burning in his eyes. "Okay."

"I know things have been tough. I know you're still talking to your therapist, but Buckaroo – believe me when I tell you that the people in your life who tell you to your face that they love you, _mean it._ You do not have fair-weather friends around you. Especially not _Eddie_ ," she said emphatically. "He just needs to figure it out. You have to tell him."

"What if it ruins things?" he asked weakly. "He might say no."

"He might say yes." Carla gave him a long look. "Sometimes you have to take a chance, Buckaroo, or you'll always be wondering."

He sat back, folding his arms across his chest, nodding – unconvinced, but thoughtful.

Maybe he'd see what happened when Eddie arrived home, and then decide.

Maybe.

* * *

Somehow, they'd progressed to kissing – one minute they'd been talking about her travels around the world, and the next she was running her fingers through his hair and leaning in to kiss him.

Everything about it felt wrong, but he kept trying – hoping for that magic spark, for the universe to send down a sign from above and say, yes, this right.

And the weird thing was – she was into it, he could tell. Maybe he was good at faking, but her hands were on his chest and arms, and then she was straddling his lap with a confident, sexy smile, pushing her fingers through his hair, and kissing him again firmly.

Her eyes were closed, but he opened his, and focused on the Peru poster on the wall. What was he doing? Why was he doing this? He couldn't muster any enthusiasm; couldn't even work out what to do with his hands, so he just rested them on her back.

And thought about Buck, at home – Christopher would be asleep by now. What was Buck doing?

He should've made an excuse to leave.

Ana pulled away, licking her lips, smiling down at him. "We could take this into the bedroom," she offered, unbuttoning the top button on her dress. "If you want?"

No.

He didn't want that. He didn't want to be a dick, but god, he didn't want that – he wasn't even sure he could force an erection. For a guy that hadn't had sex in almost two years, the fact that his dick was completely unresponsive was a total surprise.

So he said, "I'm so sorry – it's late; I have to go. I have an early shift tomorrow, and Buck does too – I have to relieve him."

She nodded, cupping his face. "I understand," she replied, and then smiled hopefully at him. "Next time, you could come over… and spend the night?"

_No._

He nodded. "Okay," he agreed, but no. No, he wouldn't be doing that. No, he didn't want to sleep with her – he didn't want any of it. None of it was right.

~

Eddie caught an Uber home, lost in thought in the backseat, staring out the window blankly as the lights flashed by. He was twisted in knots, confused and angry with himself for not… being the man he should be.

He should want her. She was beautiful; smart and funny, kind… a total catch. She liked him. She listened to his stories and was interested in him, in his life and Christopher… she was not put off that he had a child with CP, even though… some of her suggestions were a little odd.

He couldn't help but compare her to Buck… and that was a rabbit hole he couldn't afford to fall down, because when he started thinking about Buck, he couldn't stop.

So he pulled his phone out of his pocket and found to his surprise that he had a message from Carla.

_Eddie – heard from Buckaroo tonight. He's a little down. Take care of him and yourself. We'll talk soon xoxo_

Immediately alarmed, he checked to see whether he'd missed any messages from Buck – but there was nothing. No indication that anything was wrong.

He thought for a moment, and then opened Instagram – there was a picture of Christopher with chocolate on his nose, but that was it.

He worried the entire journey home. Buck's jeep was in its usual spot, but the house was mostly dark – except for a light in the living room. Eddie hurried up the path and unlocked the front door, carefully sanitising his hands and removing his shoes before venturing further inside.

Buck was asleep on the couch – the TV was off, and his hands were tucked under his head, the blanket pulled up to his waist. Eddie crept into the room, peering down at him with concern – but Buck was out to it, in a deep sleep, breathing steadily.

He let out a breath, and then went down to check on Christopher – he was sound asleep as well, and Eddie watched him sleep for a few moments, before wandering out to the kitchen.

It was there that he found the first surprise – a jar of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies. He immediately took one and put it in his mouth, and then realised that his one and only plastic cake container was full. Buck had baked a whole cake, with vanilla frosting and strawberries on top. He was searching for a knife to cut that, and _then_ discovered a third container with his favourite brownies inside, and "Eddie" written on top in M&M's.

Buck had spent the whole night baking for him.

Stunned, Eddie took a step back, and sat heavily in one of the chairs at the small kitchen table. His hand landed on a piece of paper, and he glanced down to find a note in Buck's neat handwriting.

_Eddie – the cake is for work tomorrow - don't eat it. Brownies and cookies are for you. Wake me up when you get home and I'll take off._

He read it again, his vision blurring, a lump in his throat. Every emotion that he managed to keep buried deep down inside threatened to come bubbling out, and he pressed his hands to his head, doubling over.

Eddie _loved him._

He loved him, he realised, and it was like the scene in the _Wizard of Oz_ , when the world suddenly clicked into colour. He loved Buck. Not just as a friend, but more. So much more than he'd ever thought possible.

He tried to catch his breath, internally panicking. He loved him, and he couldn't… he _couldn't_. It had always been there, bubbling in the back of his mind, feelings that he kept buried, even from himself, but now they were spewing out and there was nothing he could do to stop it.

He loved Buck.

He couldn't love Buck.

Could he?

He'd never considered it before; never entertained the possibility that falling in love with a man might happen to him – but it was happening, and it was suddenly like he could _see things clearly_. Of course he couldn't feel anything for Ana - all he wanted was to be with Buck, in every single way.

What did that mean for him? He'd always been straight; only been with women… but deep down inside, hadn't he thought about it, once or twice? Hadn't he noticed how good-looking Buck was? Hadn't he snuck admiring glances at him while he was changing and told himself that it was nothing?

He'd done that. He'd just pretended that it didn't mean anything.

He took a deep breath and released it slowly, eyeing the brownie container again. He finished the cookie and then polished off one whole brownie – god, he'd even put chilli in it, the _bastard_ , fuck Eddie loved him _so much._ The only person he'd ever truly been himself around – the one person who'd had his back from day one, who'd follow him into the fire no questions asked. The only person he trusted with Christopher's life.

He had no idea what to do.

"Eddie," Buck's sleepy voice said from behind him. "You okay?"

"No," he admitted without thinking. "No, I'm not."

Buck's hand brushed his shoulder, and he looked up at him, blinking back tears. "Did something happen?" Buck asked – he was clearly tired, but concerned.

"No. Why'd you do all this?" he asked, his voice cracking. "Why'd you make… cookies and a cake and brownies, why? Why, Buck?"

"Do you not… like them?"

"No, I love them, of course I love them," he said, anguished. "Why do you… do these things for me when… you don't have to? Am I using you? Albert said that I was using you; am I?"

Buck looked taken aback. "Albert said that?" he asked, shaking his head. "When?"

"On our run." Eddie looked up at him unhappily. "Buck, why… I don't deserve any of this."

"Yes you do. Christopher was upset and I needed to keep him busy," he said quietly. "And I made a list of all the stuff I used, so I can replace it—"

"Replace it?" Eddie asked, his voice cracking. "Why would I want you to replace it? I'll replace it."

Buck looked around the kitchen and murmured, "Because I didn't tell you I was doing any of it… it's the right thing to do; I can give you money, or…"

"I don't want your money. I want to know why you do these things for me," he asked – and to his horror, realised he was right on the verge of tears, just barely holding it together. He then made the mistake of meeting Buck's eyes, full of misery, and his heart nearly cracked in two.

A multitude of emotions crossed Buck's face, until he finally said, in a faltering voice, "I don't know what else to do. If I do this, maybe you'll… want me to stay."

He let out a breath, anguished, and said, "Of course I want you to stay, but god… I am drowning right now, Buck. I'm just… I don't know what to do. I don't know what's wrong with me. Bobby tells me to not miss out on things but it's not right; none of this is right… you and Chris are both upset and I'm the reason, and I fucking hate it. I hate this," he admitted, sucking in a shuddering breath.

"What does your gut tell you?" Buck asked, and when Eddie looked up at him again, he held his hands up in a shrug. "Every time in your life that you start questioning yourself, it's because you listened to other people. What is your gut telling you to do? Listen to it."

_Buck_ , a voice in the back of his head said insistently. _Be with Buck._

He let out a trapped breath, staring at a fixed spot on the floor. "My gut."

"Yeah, Eddie. Look, real talk – if you're this twisted up in knots about a new relationship, maybe it's not right for you," Buck said bluntly.

"But…"

"She's perfect on paper," Buck finished for him – because for some reason, he'd always been able to read Eddie's mind. "I know. She really is. But when it's right, you _know_."

"It's not right," Eddie said numbly – finally putting a voice to the thought that had been echoing in his brain for weeks.

"It doesn't seem like it."

He let out a trapped breath, staring at the wall. "I really wanted… to impress my parents. To… turn up in El Paso with her and say, look at this – I'm not dragging Christopher down, am I? I'm a success." His voice cracked, and he shook his head, struggling to contain his tears. "Because I've never been good enough, Buck."

Buck was suddenly right in his space, his hands on his shoulders, forcing him to meet his eyes. "You don't have anything to prove to _me_ ," he said fiercely. "Eddie, you and Christopher… you're more than enough for me. I promise."

"You have to say that, you're my best friend," he said weakly.

Buck shook his head quickly. "No, I'm saying it because… I'm in love with you," he admitted, and suddenly it was like all of the air had been sucked out of the room.

_Oh._

Buck was _in love with him._


	3. Chapter 3

Eddie's eyes were tearful and huge, staring at him – he was tense, his whole body rigid. Buck squeezed his shoulders once and then straightened up and took a step back.

It was out there now, no taking it back.

"I'm not asking anything of you. I just had to tell you," Buck said, taking another step back. "Maybe you'll… finally understand where I'm coming from."

Eddie looked emotionally wrung out and exhausted. "The food," he said, closing his eyes. "Baby-sitting. The fake family… we're not, you know. I'm not."

"Yeah, but you are straight, so…" Buck swallowed hard, shrugging. "I know you need some time to process this, without me around… so I'm going to go home. All right?"

Eddie didn't respond. Buck gave him one last look and then turned, heading out to grab his stuff, wondering if this was the last time he'd set foot in the Diaz house.

"See you tomorrow," he said, pulling on his jacket. "Get some rest – and don't forget to bring the cake in the morning."

There was silence from the kitchen. Buck's heart began to splinter into a thousand pieces, but he walked to the door, telling himself that he'd expected it. He'd known what the answer to the question would be.

He'd just pulled open the front door when a hand suddenly forced it closed again, and Buck turned to find Eddie behind him, that same, panicked look on his face. "Don't go," he said – the words burst out, like he was trying desperately to contain them. "Please don't go."

Buck stood still, staring at him, trying to read his mind. "We have work tomorrow…"

"I don't care. I'm trying not to lose you," Eddie said, a hint of desperation to his voice. "Just stay here."

Buck glanced at the couch, shaking his head. "Do you really want me to stay?"

"Yes… because I need to think about this, okay? Because you are…" he trailed off, licking his lips. "You are… honestly, Buck. Honestly – you are the second most important person in my life, okay? So I need you to stay."

How could he say no to that? He nodded, letting his bag slide down his shoulder. "All right."

Eddie took a step back, his eyes locked on Buck. "Okay. Good. You're staying."

Buck just wanted to know what was going on inside his head, but instead he went back into the living room and dropped his bag on the floor.

"I put your spare clothes in a drawer in my room," Eddie spoke up. "So you can change, if you want... or I can get you some of my sweats, or…"

Buck nodded, dropping onto the couch, rubbing his face with both hands. Eddie disappeared, and when he returned, he had the box with the air mattress and pump, a folded pair of grey sweatpants and a faded t-shirt in his arms. Buck took the clothes from him, running his fingers over the faded star on the shirt, glancing up at Eddie questioningly.

"Old army stuff," he said, hovering over the couch. "It's stretched… and you might hulk out of it a bit."

He nodded again, and then said, "Listen – don't interrupt me, all right? I know you're not gonna feel the same way, and I know you're trying to… reassure me that nothing is going to change by keeping me here, but… Eddie… my therapist told me that I need to start being honest about my feelings, so that's what this is. I love you. You and Christopher are my two most important people, and… I'm terrified of losing you both," he admitted. "And I know by telling you that I'm in love with you means that I might be fast-forwarding the process, but it's one of those things that you just need to know. And I know you were at her house tonight and you probably slept together—"

"We didn't," Eddie interrupted sharply. "I didn't sleep with her."

"Well, you didn't break up with her either, right?"

Eddie paused, and then shook his head.

"Okay." Buck sat on the couch, looking around the room with a sigh. "I should really go home, Eddie…"

"I would really, really like you to stay." Eddie's voice was low. "Is Albert at your place?"

Buck sighed, nodding. "Yeah, he's driving me nuts."

"Then stay." Eddie unboxed the air mattress, dropping to his knees on the floor. "I don't know what I'm doing," he said, his voice low. "Everything feels wrong and confusing at the moment. I feel like… whatever I do is going to be the wrong thing and will end up hurting people."

"Well, the answer is easy, isn't it?" Buck asked. "You're not into men."

"I've never said that," Eddie said, glancing up at him. "You just assumed."

_What._

Buck stared at him, the tiniest spark of hope igniting in his heart. "Are you?"

* * *

Eddie closed his eyes. The easy answer was to say, ' _I don't know_ ,' and keep it ambivalent, but…

It wasn't the truth.

Buck deserved the truth, but he'd been hiding from the truth for a long, long time. Tears were burning in his eyes as he fumbled with the air mattress, laying it out on the floor and connecting the air pump.

"Eddie," Buck said, after a few minutes of silence. "You can tell me."

He was trying desperately to contain his emotions. If he so much as looked at Buck, he'd lose it, so he stood and went to the linen cupboard to grab a sheet, blanket and some pillows.

Fuck, he couldn't even say it out loud. He'd never said it out loud, to anyone – not even Shannon. This was not something he thought about it on a daily basis – it was buried deep down inside, the whisper in the back of his mind that he tried to ignore.

The weight of the world was crushing him, and a tear escaped, snaking down his cheek. He took a moment to compose himself and wiped it away, and when he returned to the living room he found Buck waiting for him, visibly concerned.

Eddie made the mistake of looking into his eyes, and suddenly the words came spewing out. "My parents already think that I'm a disappointment," he said hoarsely. "They told me before I moved to LA that I was going to drag Christopher down with me. I am… supposed to meet a nice woman, get married again and have more kids. That's what I'm _supposed to do_ ," he said, anguished, tears burning in his eyes. "I'm supposed to make them proud. I went to war, nearly died and was awarded a Silver Star – and they're _still_ not proud of me. Everything I do in my whole life is just… not enough." Tears were free-falling, and he sank down onto his knees, wiping his face. "Bobby told me not to miss the opportunities right in front of me. I need to give this a shot."

"You've given it a month and you're here crying," Buck pointed out, sliding off the couch and onto the floor. "Eddie, I'm an opportunity. I'm right here."

"I can't love you," he said, shaking his head. "I can't."

Buck was silent, his hands twisted in his lap. "But I would… give you everything you want," he whispered, and Eddie met his eyes again. "I would love you and Christopher… you're my family. Give me a chance. I want a fucking chance."

"I can't take you home to them."

"You already took me home to them, and you spent that whole night talking about everything we've done together. Any time we're with new people you spend the whole time talking about me," Buck said hoarsely. "You don't think that she's wondering why you didn't want to spend the night?"

Eddie's lips were trembling. "I wanted to come home to you, all night," he admitted, his voice breaking. "I wanted to be here."

"Then _be here_ ," Buck said emphatically. "You're not into this! Don't drag this poor woman along because you think it's going to impress your parents. Don't you want to be happy? Don't you want Christopher to be happy? He's miserable, because you're fucking miserable, and I am too."

"He's not…"

"He is. He had a temper tantrum as soon as you left." Buck wiped his eyes, shaking his head unhappily. "Did you invite her to the party on Saturday night?"

Eddie nodded, staring at Buck numbly.

Buck swore, and let out a sigh. "Okay. I guess I'm stuck with Albert. Hen told me they're doing partner games, but I'm missing my partner."

"You're mad at me."

"I'm not mad at you; I'm just fucking tired and frustrated," he groaned. "I've told you how I feel, so this is on you now, all right? Figure out what you want, because you can't have everything. You need to make a choice."

"How come you're not… agonising about this?" Eddie asked. "Why is it easier for you?"

Buck sighed. "I don't know… I'm not worried about what other people think of me. I'm sick of that, Eddie. I just want to be happy. You and Christopher make me happy, so… I want to be with you. It's simple."

"But you said you've never—"

"I haven't," Buck said emphatically. "I've never been with a guy, but I know I like you. And I've liked guys before, I've just never had the chance to act on it… but I want to be with you." His face contorted slightly, and he said hoarsely, "I could really love you, Eddie. I could be enough for you. I _love_ Christopher."

Wasn't that what he'd been searching for? Someone who wouldn't just love him, but also Christopher? And hadn't Buck gone above and beyond for them both in the few years that they'd known each other – Buck had entrenched himself so deeply in their family unit that Eddie couldn't imagine his life without him in it.

Hadn't he said that to Ana? _Buck is non-negotiable._

"I just never thought about it," he said to Buck. "I never thought about it."

"It never occurred to you, or you never wanted to think about it?" Buck asked. "Because there's a difference."

He swallowed hard. "Never… let myself think about it."

"So fucking think about it," Buck said bluntly. "Think about me, Eddie. Okay?"

He nodded. "Okay."

"And get some sleep. We do have to work tomorrow." Buck stood, laying the sheet on top of the air mattress. "See you in the morning."

"Night," he whispered, and left him on his own in the living room.

It was under the hot shower that he let himself think about it – about Buck. His smile, his eyes – the way he looked at Eddie, with such affection, and devotion. Like he'd already committed himself; that he was just waiting for Eddie to catch up.

And then he thought about sex – closed his eyes and thought about Buck's lips on his, their bodies pressed together… he thought about how big and strong Buck was, and wondered what it would feel like to have him in bed… to be in bed with someone he trusted implicitly, that he cared about… and loved.

Eddie leaned against the wall, letting the water wash over him. His hand slipped down his firm stomach to his cock, already stiffening – the thought of Buck's large hands on his body was _doing things to him_ , and he pictured Buck naked – he'd seen him naked more than once, he remembered vividly what he looked like; how he'd averted his eyes, trying to ignore the flare of desire deep in his gut. Buck's strong legs, his broad shoulders, flat stomach, with that perfect V pointing straight down to a not-so-average cock, and Eddie wrapped a hand around his own length and began to stroke quickly, gasping.

Buck throwing him on the bed; Buck kissing him; Buck's lips around his cock; Buck's hands on his body; Buck lying beneath him on the bed; Buck's mouth open as Eddie fucked him; Buck begging for more, Buck…

_Buck._

* * *

**Hen**

"Something's wrong," she said to Chimney, watching as Buck and Eddie walked into work together and immediately went their separate ways. "Something's wrong with the boys."

"You're telling me," he muttered, his head on his hand, a steaming cup of coffee in front of him. "Maddie's been beside herself about Buck, but she won't tell me why."

"What's going on?" Bobby asked, joining them at the table. "They've been okay at work."

"No, they're not," she said, chewing her lower lip. "It's because Eddie has a girlfriend. I'll bet you any money."

"Well, Buck should've known this would happen sooner or later, and there's no reason he can't find someone for himself," Bobby said reasonably.

Hen looked over at Chimney, who sighed and said, "Bobby, he already _has_ found someone. _Eddie._ "

"They're just friends," Bobby replied, shaking his head.

"Well, that's interesting, Cap. We're friends, and I never see you looking at me the way Eddie looks at Buck," Chimney said dryly.

"You're not blind," Hen said to Bobby, who nodded briefly. "Come on – you see this as clearly as we do. They're the last people to know."

"I think Buck's figured it out, but Eddie hasn't," Chimney murmured. "Judging from the way Maddie's been acting lately – and I asked her if it was something to do with their parents, and she told me it wasn't. I believe her."

Bobby sipped his coffee and then said, "I encouraged Eddie to date the teacher."

Hen hissed, raising her eyebrows. "Why?"

"Because… he's been stuck, for so long, trapped in the memory of what he could have had with Shannon," Bobby replied quietly. "I know what that's like. I thought… he needs to put himself out there. Figure out what he wants."

"Maybe it's a good thing," Chimney said to Hen. "Maybe it'll make things clearer for him, and he'll finally be able to see what we've seen for years."

"That they're perfect for each other," she finished, glancing down at the locker room as Eddie emerged. "Oh god. Tomorrow night's going to be a mess."

* * *

**Bobby**

"Is everything okay?" Bobby asked Buck – he'd been on his own most of the day, separating himself from the rest of the group.

Bobby had finally located him in the back corner of the bunk room, tucked in the corner with his back to the wall, a book balanced on his knees.

Buck took his headphones out and looked up at him quizzically. "What's going on?"

He looked exhausted, his eyes bloodshot and rimmed with dark circles, as though he'd spent most of the night crying.

Bobby checked to make sure they were alone and took a seat at the end of the bed. "I'm wondering that about you," he said gently. "We're all worried about you."

Buck rubbed his eyes and sat up a little straighter, setting his book down on the bed. Bobby couldn't help but notice that it was about sexuality, but didn't press him any further.

"I just had an emergency session," Buck finally said. "It got a little emotional, but I'm all right."

"Your parents?" he asked.

Buck shook his head wordlessly, twisting his hands together.

"Eddie," he guessed.

A flicker of emotion crossed Buck's face, and he shrugged. "Maybe."

"A few dates doesn't mean they're going to get married—"

"It's not that. He doesn't even like her." Buck licked his lips, swallowing hard. "I kinda thought… if I told him that I loved him, maybe he'd… react differently. But he's so confused, and I don't know how to help or what to do."

_Oh._ Outwardly, Bobby had no reaction – but he genuinely hadn't expected that. He'd always been slightly amused by the way Buck and Eddie followed each other around, but hadn't thought there was more to it than just friendship.

He guessed he was wrong, and with Buck looking so bereft, he decided to change tactics. "You just need to give him some time," he said gently.

"I am. Why do you think I'm hiding out in here?" Buck picked up his book again, and held it up so Bobby could see the cover. "I'm trying to understand everything better myself… about sexuality, so maybe I can help… if he wants me to."

Bobby nodded, concerned. "Buck, have you considered that maybe… he can't love you the way you want him to?"

He immediately regretted saying the words out loud, as tears filled Buck's eyes in an instant, and he cleared his throat and looked away, shaking his head. "He didn't say no," he replied, his voice thick with emotion. "So I still have hope."

"Where is he?"

"I don't know, we agreed this morning to try to spend the day apart to get some clarity," Buck replied, sniffling and wiping his eyes. "So that's what I'm doing. I'm in here, and he's… somewhere else, but he does keep texting me, so…" As if on cue, his phone lit up, and Buck glanced at briefly before sending a reply. "He's getting me a coffee."

"Don't isolate yourself," Bobby said to him, and Buck blinked at him. "When you do this, we worry about you. Take some time, and then come out and help me cook dinner, all right? We need to make something to go with that delicious cake you made."

"Okay," Buck agreed quietly. "I will."

* * *

**Chimney**

Chimney volunteered to accompany Eddie to the coffee shop, but Eddie was almost his normal self as they walked along – when Chimney asked him about Christopher, he lit up, as he always did.

"And even though Zoom school is tough, and he misses his friends," Eddie said as they rounded the corner, "his teachers are really impressed with how well he's handling it. He's doing a great job."

"That's great. Hopefully once this all dies down you can bring him by the station; we haven't seen him in ages."

Eddie nodded. "He'd love that. Thank god he and Buck never get sick of each other."

Not two minutes into the conversation and Eddie had already mentioned Buck, so Chimney said, "Listen man, I don't know what's going on but Maddie's extra sensitive about Buck these days, and something's got her worried, which means I'm worried by default. What's going on with you two?"

Eddie gave him a sharp look, adjusting his face mask. "Nothing."

"Come on, man. Talk to me."

He let out a disbelieving laugh. "You want me to talk to you? The man who can't keep a secret to save his life?"

"Ah, so there's a secret."

Eddie rolled his eyes. "No," he practically snapped. "It's nothing. Drop it."

They were nearly at the coffee house, so Chimney jogged in front of him and forced him to stop. "Listen – he's going to be my brother-in-law," he said, holding his hands up. "I worry about him. He's had a rough couple of months."

The vein in Eddie's forehead bulged, and he looked away unhappily. "Yeah, I know," he said bluntly. "I'm the one who's been there for him every step of the way."

"We've all—"

"No, no Chim – you want to talk about it? You want to talk about Buck? Because I bet you don't know that he came to _my house_ , in tears, after every single confrontation with his parents. And finding out that he has a dead older brother that nobody ever told him about? What the actual fuck, Chimney?"

Defensive, he retorted, "Hey, it's not my fault."

"I know it's not your fault, but you don't need to talk to me about Buck. I know Buck better than you," Eddie practically snapped. "And what's going on between us right now is none of your business."

Chimney gritted his teeth and said, "Right – that's fair, but you had to see this coming, Eddie. You had to fucking see that you dating someone would send him into a spiral—"

"I don't need _you_ to give _me_ a lecture about Buck," Eddie retorted, his eyes flashing. "Drop it."

"I'm just worried about you guys," he protested. "I'm worried, Eddie! The last time you were all out of sorts you joined a fucking fight club."

At that some of the tension seemed to drain away. Eddie huffed out a sigh, turning his neck from side to side, and finally said, "I know things are weird, but… I'm figuring it out."

"Right, so let me give you a little bit of friendly, big-brotherly advice," Chimney said. "Choose the person who makes you happy. At the end of the day, you're the one who has to be happy, Eddie – it doesn't matter what your parents want, or whatever… societal expectations are hanging over your head. Bottling shit up inside and not talking about your feelings; constantly pretending things are okay – this is the reason men kill themselves."

Eddie's eyes widened with alarm. "Chim, I'm not going to—"

"I know that, but I'm just telling you that… committing yourself to a life that's not what you want out of some… misguided belief that it's what you _should do_ , will only lead to more unhappiness," Chimney said imploringly. "I know what Bobby told you, and I know you're still trying to move on from Shannon."

Eddie shuddered, looking away from him.

"But Eddie… sometimes the opportunity is right in front of your nose and you can't see it. You know how long Maddie and I pretended we were just friends until… we finally woke up and realised it was much more than that? And I know you're not homophobic—"

"No," he said instantly. "No, I'm not."

"And I'm probably not the right person to talk to you about that side of it," he continued, "but… if there's a chance… for happiness? You should go for it."

Eddie was staring at the ground with watery eyes. "Yeah."

"Yeah. Look, I'm sorry – I'm just worried, man. That's all."

He nodded, lifting his head again. "Yeah, I know. Fuck. Okay. We better get these coffees."

* * *

Chimney's words rattled around in his brain, but they parted as soon as they reached the station and he carried Buck's coffee into the bunk room.

Buck was still in there, reading with his knees to his chest, chewing on his lower lip. He looked up when Eddie entered and smiled at him.

"Hey," Eddie said, passing him the cup. "I asked them to put extra mocha in there for you."

"Thanks." Buck had a sip, and nodded approvingly. "It's really good."

"Good." Eddie sat down on the neighbouring bed, sipping his own cup. "So apparently everyone is worried about us."

"Yeah, Bobby came in and talked to me about it. But we don't need to… I'm giving you time," Buck said to him. "Dr Copeland told me that I need to respect your space so that's what I'm doing."

"You spoke to her?"

"Yeah, we had an emergency session this morning." Buck sipped his coffee, and then said, "She suggested maybe… you might benefit from therapy as well. She can recommend some people if you want."

He instantly wanted to say no, but if Buck – who hated therapy almost as much as Eddie did – was open to it, maybe he could be as well. Maybe he'd find it helpful. "Okay," he agreed. "I'll do that."

"You don't have to—"

"No, but… I trust you," he said. "If you think it's a good idea."

Buck nodded. "It's been good for me, I think. I think? Do you think I've been… okay?"

"I think you've gone through a… traumatic year and that… having someone independent to talk to has been good for you," he replied.

"And having you and Christopher as well," Buck added. "You've kinda been my rock."

"Well, you were mine… after Shannon."

They smiled at each other. Buck sipped his coffee again, and then asked hesitantly, "Is she still coming tomorrow night?"

"Yeah, she is."

Buck nodded slowly, a dark look crossing his face. "Okay."

They were both silent for a moment. Eddie finally said, "I don't know what the fuck I'm doing but I'm going to figure it out, okay?"

Buck let out an unhappy laugh. "You better."

~

Eddie spent the entire next day debating whether to call Ana and rescind the invitation, or lying and saying that the party was off – but good manners won out in the end, and at 6pm on Saturday evening, he collected her from her apartment and drove across town to Hen and Karen's house.

She was full of nervous excitement, and he gave a quick rundown on who everyone was. They pulled up right after Buck and Albert, and Eddie watched Buck glance over at his car before raising his hand in a wave, and waiting on the front lawn for them.

"That's Buck," he said to her, and she peered out the window at him. "Let's go."

They exited the car, and walked towards Buck and Albert. "Hey," Buck said to him, before turning to her reluctantly. "Hi, you must be Ana. I'm Buck, and this is Albert."

"Nice to meet you," Ana said warmly, waving to him. "I've heard so much about you. Are you guys… boyfriends?"

Albert snorted, slapping Buck on the shoulder. "No," Buck replied, and to his credit, actually looked amused. "No, this guy is my COVID roommate. He's been bunking with me the last few months and annoying the crap out of me."

"Hey, I keep things interesting," Albert protested, and then smiled at her. "Nice to meet you."

"The party's in here, boys," Athena called from the front door. "Buckaroo, what is that in your hands? Hen told you not to bring anything."

"And then she called me this morning and asked me to make a dessert," he protested, jogging up the stairs to greet her. "So I did. And besides, my sister tells me it's rude not to bring a gift when you're invited to someone's house."

"Well, at least your sister raised you right," Athena said, patting him on the back.

Eddie waited until they were inside before gesturing to Ana. "Athena, this is Ana Flores – Ana, this is Athena Grant," he introduced them. "Bobby's wife."

"Nice to meet you, Ana," Athena greeted her warmly. "That's a beautiful dress."

"Thank you so much," Ana replied. "I'm sorry – I didn't bring anything, is that—"

"Oh, I was just giving Buckaroo a hard time," she said, hooking her arm with Ana's and leading her into the house. "Come with me, I'll introduce you to everyone while Eddie gets you a drink."

Eddie left her to it, and made his way into the kitchen, where Karen was arguing with Buck.

"I told you not to bring anything," she said, slapping his hands playfully. "We have so much food!"

"But Hen told me to make cupcakes," Buck replied patiently, opening the container for her. "So I did."

Karen shook her head at him disapprovingly. "What kind?"

"Chocolate and peanut butter with a Reese's piece on top," he said proudly. "I got the recipe off Pinterest."

"You're very sweet and annoying," Karen said, taking the box out of his hands. "Now go play with your friends."

Buck laughed, glancing at Eddie briefly before heading out to the backyard.

"Well, Eddie," Karen said, grinning broadly at him. "Now that he's gone, how are you?"

He checked to make sure they were alone and said, "I am not great, and I need to talk to someone."

Taken aback, Karen lowered her voice. "What's going on? Come and talk to me."

"I can't leave Ana alone for too long," he said, "but I really need to talk to you or Hen or someone."

Karen nodded thoughtfully. "Okay. We will get Ana set up with Maddie – who will charm her – and then Hen and I will come and talk to you in private. Meet me in the kitchen in twenty minutes, Eddie. Twenty minutes."

"Deal," he agreed, relieved. "Where's the wine?"

~

He made a stilted appearance at the party, but fortunately Karen and Hen had his back – just as the twenty minute mark approached, Hen guided Ana over to where Maddie and Chimney were seated, sat her down with a fresh glass of wine and a plate of food, pointed out how pregnant Maddie was and mentioned schools, and then walked away.

That was all she needed to do – Ana and Maddie had a topic of conversation that interested them both, and with everyone else distracted, Eddie followed Hen into the kitchen, where Karen was waiting, and then they trooped down to the study together and closed the door.

"What's going on?" Hen asked him with concern. "I know something's up."

Now that he had them both alone, he faltered, the words dying in his throat. "I…"

"Spit it out," Karen said bluntly. "Come on. We're your friends. What's going on?"

"Buck told me he's in love with me," he said in a rush, and then added, "And maybe… I might… be in love with him too."

"Oh, Eddie," Hen groaned, rubbing her forehead. "I should never have asked you to bring her tonight. I'm sorry."

"No, it's on me – I should've said no. I wanted to talk to you earlier this week but I just felt trapped when you asked, and…" he trailed off, shaking his head. "I didn't want the questions."

Hen and Karen exchanged a look, and Karen murmured, "You're all a bunch of gossips, you know."

"Not when it's something important," she replied, gazing at Eddie sympathetically. "Not about this. If you'd said no, I would've understood."

He nodded. "I'm an idiot."

"You're not an idiot; I put you on the spot," Hen said gently. "But what I want to know is – if it hasn't been feeling right, why haven't you broken up with her?"

He sighed, shaking his head, hating himself. "My family will love her."

"Yeah, but will you?" Karen asked bluntly. "Eddie, the fact that you're having this crisis tells me all I need to know. You never even considered this a possibility, did you? That you could fall in love with a man?"

He shook his head, folding his arms across his chest protectively.

"You know sexuality isn't a straight line," Hen said to him. "Sometimes people don't figure out until they're in their fifties or older that they're not straight. Society puts pressure on us; tells us we need to be a certain way – meet a girl, fall in love, get married, have children – and it just doesn't work like that. For some people, sure… but one shoe doesn't fit everyone. You and Buck… it was instant, wasn't it? Instant attraction."

He nodded. "I just thought… I wanted to be around him all the time because… I liked him as a friend. And he's never asked anything of me, you know? He has no expectations… he just likes me the way I am. And I like him. When I'm with her, I feel like I'm performing."

"Yeah, that's not what you want," Karen said gently, rubbing his arm. "Have you been working out more? You're very strong." She poked his bicep, and he grinned, some of his tension lifting.

"He's always working out. He and Buck live in the gym." Hen gave him a long look. "You know, we'll support you, no matter what you do. Even if your family isn't supportive – we will be. You have us; you know that."

"And you'll have Buck," Karen added, and at that, his heart lifted. "You and Christopher… he'd be really great for you both."

"He is great for them," Hen said. "He's been Christopher's second dad for a long time now."

"What should I do?" he asked them. "What do I do?"

"You break up with Ana, sooner rather than later," Karen said. "You owe it to her not to drag this out. You know it's not right."

He nodded, swallowing hard. "Yeah, she's nice, but… I just… I'm forcing it."

"She's not stupid; she's probably picked up on it," Hen said with a shrug. "Let's just get through tonight, and then you break up with her… and take some time, if you need it. And tell Buck how you feel."

"You have people who love you no matter what," Karen said to him, taking his hand and squeezing it tightly. "This isn't going to be easy, but everyone here tonight loves you. Okay?"

He nodded again, letting out a breath. "Right."

"I just wished you'd talked to me," Hen said guiltily. "I'm sorry, Eddie. I'm sorry I asked you to bring her."

"It's done now; we're just going to get through it," Karen said decisively. "Let's go."

* * *

**Ana**

It was really strange.

Eddie effectively abandoned her about half an hour into the party – he left her with Buck's sister, who was lovely, and disappeared into the house. He was gone for almost twenty minutes, and when he returned, he came over to check on her with another glass of wine, before he was swept up in conversation with a group of the guys, and then he was gone again.

Ana had no idea what he was thinking at any given time. She wasn't even sure he was attracted to her. She wasn't sure why he'd invited her, but she liked him. He was the kind of man she'd always envisioned marrying one day – if she brought him home to her parents, they'd be thrilled.

Not that she agreed with everything in his life – he was perhaps a little more relaxed with Christopher than she would have been, but that may have been because he simply wasn't as educated in the subject as she was. If Christopher was her son, she would've guided him a little more towards indoor activities rather than surfing and skateboarding. She'd asked Eddie a few times, but he'd dismissed it, and she hadn't pressed the issue.

She'd been most interested in meeting Buck, though she hadn't been expecting someone quite so tall and handsome – the image she'd had in her head was completely wrong. Buck was gorgeous, with curly, dark blonde hair and a birthmark over his left eye, and when he and Eddie stood side-by-side, they were an impressive duo.

Buck had been polite to her, and said hello, but that was it – he'd made no effort to make conversation or paid much attention to her. He was the life of the party, the one they all gravitated towards, and he and Chimney were an especially hilarious duo.

Ana had the expectation that Eddie introducing her to his friends was the next step of their relationship – meet the friends, and then be reintroduced to Christopher as his girlfriend, but as the night wore on, it became abundantly clear to her that her fantasy of being with him wasn't going to happen. She, and possibly everyone else at the party, could see that Eddie's heart already belonged to someone else.

He and Buck were never far apart. Sharing looks; telling stories together – Buck even handed Eddie a plate of food at one point, as though he'd gone around specifically and picked out everything Eddie would like. She had no idea what to make of it. It was already abundantly clear to her that Buck was a huge presence in Eddie and Christopher's lives – most of Eddie's stories involved Buck. He was like a second father to Christopher, and, as the night wore on, she realised that Buck was Eddie's partner, in every sense of the word – except maybe for romantically.

It was like they were connected by an invisible string – they were constantly in each other's orbits, drawn together almost unconsciously. They even looked like a couple, with outfits that complimented each other (Buck in dark blue, and Eddie in a maroon sweater). When Buck cracked a joke, as he did constantly (the man was an actual ray of sunshine, beloved by the people around him), Eddie's face would light up. There was a softness in the way he looked at Buck and spoke to him – even their body language was different when they were together. They were always turned towards each other, close together, usually with their shoulders touching.

Eddie was a taken man, which made her wonder why he'd asked her out in the first place. Was he struggling with his sexuality? Was he closeted? Was she his beard?

Or maybe it was more complicated than that. Maybe he had the same sense of duty towards his family that she felt towards hers, though she tried to push through those feelings and forge her own path. Her parents had wanted her to settle down and meet someone when she was younger, and have children right away, but Ana had pursued the career she'd always dreamed of.

They loved her – she knew that unequivocally – but her choices were hers alone, and not theirs. They wanted grandkids – and she was ready to have children herself, which was why she'd thought it serendipitous to run across Edmundo Diaz again. After all, he was handsome, and his son was wonderful – they would make a good match. Her parents would love him.

But he was in love with someone else.

She decided that she wasn't going to show any weakness. She would maintain her composure, hide her insecurity, and try to have a lovely time all while watching the man she'd hoped to fall in love with have a lovely time with someone else – Buck, who barely glanced in her direction; whose attention was devoted solely to Eddie.

And Eddie, for his part, was doing his best to attend to her, but he didn't want to be with her. He'd leave her with someone and return to whichever group Buck was with. She wasn't sure he even realised what he was doing.

It was Hen who announced it was time to play games, and first up was charades – everyone was a little drunk, so at least it made for entertaining watching. Bobby was particularly hopeless at it, and his wife, the beautiful Athena, grew more and more irate the longer his turn went on.

Ana did think that _The Bridge on the River Kwai_ was a terribly hard movie to act out, but she kept that to herself.

They ran through the couples. Buck and Albert were particularly funny, with Albert screaming movie titles at Buck that were increasingly ridiculous, until he stumbled at random upon _The Hangover_ and somehow got it right.

She was paired up with Eddie, who graciously took the spotlight and attempted to mime a movie for her – but she had no idea what it was and could only shrug at him. Movies weren't her strong suit – she preferred documentaries.

"Open it up to the rest of the group," Hen called.

"It's _Back to the Future_ ," Buck spoke up instantly.

Eddie's face lit up with a brilliant smile – directed at Buck, who basked in it. "How'd you guess that?" he asked.

"You kept pointing to your back and then pointing over there," Buck replied. "I can read your mind."

"Well, your team gets a point then," Hen announced, adding it to the whiteboard – yes, they were scoring things, and Ana found that simultaneously funny and endearing. This group of people were like a family, and… she was the outsider. She could see that clearly.

The next game was _Heads Up!_ She'd heard of it before, but never played it, and there was some grumbling as Hen made everyone download the app onto their phones.

They ran through the usual pairings – Michael and his partner David were first, and then Bobby and Athena. Maddie and Chimney aced it and were the pair to beat until Hen and Karen edged them out by one point. Eddie asked the questions for Ana, and she managed to get three of them right – not bad, really – but finally, it was Buck and Albert's turn.

"Okay, Buck's guessing and Albert's giving the hints," Hen called.

"We got this," Albert said to Buck, who gestured to the scoreboard.

"We don't got this, but let's go." Buck held his phone to his head.

"Okay, she's hot, she's in that movie with Chris Pratt—"

"Jennifer Lawrence."

"No, she's in that dinosaur movie."

Buck paused. "Pass. I don't know her name!"

"Ugh, okay. This is a food you hate."

"Um… sushi," Buck guessed.

Albert shook his head. "No."

"Give me a hint!"

"I don't know… you hate the food. Um… it's a cake thing."

"A cake thing," Buck said, totally bewildered. "A cake thing?"

"Yeah."

Ana glanced at Eddie, who was gazing at Buck with such total and complete adoration that it almost took her breath away.

"Pass," Buck said, glancing at the screen. "Apple pie? I don't hate apple pie! And how is that a cake?"

"I thought you hated it," Albert said with a shrug. "Oh, next one. Okay, it's an animal, it's like a cow but it's tall."

Buck's jaw dropped open. "It's like a cow, but it's tall. What the – what are you talking about?!"

"It's a tall cow!"

"A moose."

"No."

Buck groaned. "Buffalo?"

"No. Think Africa," Albert suggested.

"A giraffe?"

"Yeah!"

Buck let out a frustrated grunt, shaking his head. "You are hopeless at this!"

"Hey, you're bad at guessing!"

"Time's up," Hen announced – everyone was laughing as she added one point to their total. "That was abysmal."

"It'd be different if I had a decent partner," Buck murmured pointedly, though there was humour in his tone, and Albert gave him a good-natured shove.

"Give Buck a do-over," Maddie called. "Let Buck and Eddie have a turn; come on. It'll be funny."

There were protests – both Buck and Eddie were shaking their heads – but Athena was the final vote. "I'd like to see it," she said, pointing her glass of wine at Buck. "Because I think you'd actually be good at this if you were the one asking the questions."

Buck looked over at Eddie, who nodded, and held his phone up. "All right. Bonus round."

Ana felt uneasy about the whole situation but sat silently as Buck moved to stand in front of Eddie.

"Ready?" Buck asked him, and Eddie nodded. "Okay, let's go."

The timer began, and the first word flashed up. "You always wanted to go there," Buck said instantly.

"Greece."

He was right, and they moved onto the next question. "Your favourite Marvel character."

"Thor _._ "

Right again. "You went to this city once and you hated it and refuse to go back," Buck said quickly.

Eddie laughed. "Reno."

"Yep. Uh… Christopher is scared of them."

"Snakes."

"Yep. We watched this movie last year and Christopher had nightmares about aliens for a week afterwards."

Eddie groaned. " _Mars Attacks_ – bad idea."

"Yep. Uh, your least favourite kind of seafood."

"Fish or salmon."

"Yep, salmon."

Surprised, she glanced at him, but he had no reaction – he was totally focused on Buck. He didn't like fish?

Time was nearly up, but Buck managed to squeeze in the last one, "You can't stand him."

Eddie laughed. "Hugh Jackman."

The buzzer sounded, and there was scattered applause. Buck and Eddie were beaming at each other, and it was blindingly obvious that she wasn't meant to be here. She wasn't his partner.

Buck was.

And from the way everyone was avoiding looking at her, she guessed they knew it as well.

* * *

**Maddie**

After they played another round of _Heads Up_ , and then segued into Pictionary, it was clear that both Buck and Eddie were paired with the wrong people. Buck and Albert couldn't stop bickering; and Eddie and Ana had absolutely no chemistry – he was trying to do the right thing, she could see that, but he and Buck couldn't stop sneaking looks at each other.

"This is awful," Karen murmured to her, one hand over her mouth, hiding her lips. "She's trying so hard and Eddie just… wants to be with Buck."

"He shouldn't have brought her," Maddie whispered back – also with her hand over her mouth, trying to seem casual. Thankfully Bobby and Chimney were sort of blocking them from the rest of the group, but she had a clear line of sight to Ana, who was wearing a smile on her face like a mask.

"What is that?" Buck shouted at Albert.

"It's a frog!"

"In what world is that a frog? How am I supposed to guess _Cinderella_ from that? There are no frogs in _Cinderella!_ "

Albert held his hands out helplessly. "There aren't?"

"In Albert's defence, he's probably never seen it," Chimney called.

"No, I have. That's the one where the prince is a frog, right?"

"That's _The Princess & the Frog_!" Buck groaned. "Albert, _come on._ "

Karen leaned in close to Maddie again. "Ana keeps trying to engage with him," she said, gesturing with a finger discreetly, as Ana rested her hand on Eddie's shoulder and tried to hold his attention. "But anytime Buck speaks, she loses him."

"I feel so awful for her."

"I think he thought he was doing the right thing by bringing her tonight – the gentlemanly thing – but… he didn't think it through."

Maddie's heart sunk even lower when Chimney shouted at Buck, "If you think you can do it better than Albert, try it with Eddie!"

"Gladly," Buck shot back. "Eddie?"

Eddie almost instantly abandoned Ana and took the sharpie from Albert, who shook his head at him good-naturedly before grabbing another beer from the cooler near the table of food. Eddie picked a card out at random, twisting his lips as he read it, before finally meeting Buck's eyes. "Ready?"

"Yep, ready – but Hen, if I get this right, Albert and I get the points—"

"I don't see Albert participating in this round," Hen argued. "This is another bonus round."

"Petition for a party where Buck and I aren't paired up together," Albert called. "He doesn't appreciate me."

"Petition for a party where you're not invited," Buck retorted.

"Petition for a party where—"

"That's enough!" Bobby interjected, ever the father of the group. "Just get this done so we can move on."

Eddie looked over at Buck again. "Ready?"

"Ready."

He sketched quickly – what looked like a comet, next to a love heart – and Buck said, " _Armageddon."_

Eddie set the pen down. "Yep."

"HOW?" Albert shouted at them. "How?! From that? HOW?"

"That's an asteroid, and the movie has a love story. It's _Armageddon_ ," Buck said. "It's not that hard."

Maddie was laughing – Eddie returned to his seat, grinning smugly, not noticing the unhappy expression on Ana's face – but her laughter died when Albert said, "Why did I even come here tonight? You and Eddie should've just been a pair. You'd be winning the whole damn thing."

"Yeah, well, tell me about it," Buck replied bitterly – clearly without thinking, as the colour drained from his face when he realised what he'd said. He glanced at Eddie, who was staring at the ground unhappily, and then added a quiet, "Sorry," in Ana's direction.

Everyone was silent. Maddie couldn't look at Ana – she turned her head to the side, embarrassed.

"Let's move on," Bobby suggested, clearing his throat. "Whose turn is it?"

"I'll get the dessert," Buck suddenly announced, rising from his seat, and then hurrying to the back door.

Maddie struggled to stand, intending to follow, but to her surprise, Athena was the one who stood and trailed after him.

"Let Athena talk to him," Karen said in a low voice. "He's okay."

* * *

"Buckaroo," Athena said from the doorway. "You shouldn't be the one doing this."

He was unpacking the box of cupcakes and glanced over at her with surprise. "I made them."

"No, I mean, hiding yourself away," she replied, taking a step into the room. "You've done nothing wrong."

"I was just rude in front of Ana and I shouldn't have done that," he murmured. "It's not her fault."

"It's not, and that poor woman has been completely bamboozled here tonight," Athena replied. "But that's not your fault either."

"It kinda feels like it is." Buck swallowed hard, glancing over at her. "I can't help it, Athena. I'm so used to being with Eddie… I have to remind myself to keep my distance. I hate it."

"Anyone can see that they're not going to last," she said gently. "I feel bad for her."

"I do too, but it's not up to me." Buck arranged the cupcakes on the tray, discreetly glancing at his watch. "At least Albert's heading off soon – he's been seeing this new girl, and she works until ten most nights. I'll get the loft to myself tonight."

"Are you two not getting along?"

"We are, but…" Buck trailed off. "For the first time in a really long time, I wish I just had the loft to myself again. I'm finding it hard to have any alone time. I'm conscious that he's there."

Athena rested her hand on his arm. "You're doing okay, aren't you, Buckaroo?" she asked with concern. "You know you can come over to our house any time and talk to us about anything. You do know that, right?"

He smiled at her. "I'm okay. Thank you."

"You know we'd do just about anything for you." She leaned over, examining the cupcakes. "Did you make these? Are you planning on a second career as a baker?"

"It's my fallback," he replied. "Besides, Eddie loves them."

"Ah, well. Now we know," she replied, patting his back.

Embarrassed, he nodded, and then said, "Would you take them out for me? I'm just going to freshen up in the bathroom."

"Sure thing. You take your time." Athena took the tray out of his hands, and then added as she walked out of the room, "And now I get to take the credit."

He laughed, downing the last of his beer, and headed down the hallway to the bathroom. He did his business, washed his hands and face, and then stared at his reflection in the mirror – he figured he could put in another hour or so, and then leave without raising too many suspicions.

And then he could go home to an empty loft and try to sleep without obsessing over Eddie.

He dried his hands and face and stepped out into the hallway, and came face-to-face with Ana Flores, who looked just as surprised as he felt.

"Oh, sorry," he apologised. "Sorry, didn't mean to hold you up. It's all yours."

"Thank you," she replied quietly. She was holding her phone in one hand, and he spotted the Uber app open on her screen, but didn't comment on it. "I was hoping to speak to you alone," she said, much to his surprise.

"What about?" he asked, taking a few steps back, his heart sinking.

She looked close to tears. "He's in love with you," she said, and shrugged. "I don't know why he brought me here tonight."

_Me either_ , he thought, but murmured uncomfortably, "I'm sorry it's so awkward."

Ana nodded, clutching her phone to her chest. "I'm going to break up with him. I thought before that… he wasn't really invested in this, but now I've met you… I know for sure. He just wants to be with you."

Buck leaned against the wall, ducking his head. "I want to be with him."

"Then do that." Ana took a deep breath. "Will you ask him to meet me at the front of the house? I'm just going to… quietly make my exit."

He nodded, and then said, "I'm really sorry."

"It's not your fault. It's not easy finding something real." Ana tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and murmured, "I kind of envy you. He's the kind of man I always wanted to find… but you got there first."

He wanted to say that it wasn't really like that; that Eddie couldn't love her because she wasn't what he was looking for, but all he said was, "I can't help that."

"No." Ana gave him a long look. "I think you make him really happy, you know. He talks about you all the time."

Buck murmured, "He and Christopher are my favourite people."

"I think you're theirs." She straightened, slipping her handbag onto her shoulder, and said, "Ask him to meet me out the front in five minutes."

"Okay." Buck nodded at her, and then went back to the party. He found Eddie chatting to Michael and David, flashing them a smile before wrapping his hand around Eddie's elbow. "Can we talk for a sec?"

Surprised, Eddie nodded. "Sure."

Buck led him to a secluded corner of the backyard, aware that all eyes were on them, and said in a low voice, "Ana's leaving. She's ordering an Uber."

Eddie closed his eyes briefly. "How do you know?"

"She cornered me in the hallway." He was still holding on to Eddie's elbow, but he was scared to let him go. "She wants you to meet her out the front in a couple of minutes… I guess to say goodbye. You are going to say goodbye, right?" he asked, suddenly fearful that Eddie might try to win her back.

Eddie glanced down to where Buck's fingers were clutching his arm, and then said, "Yes."

Buck let out a breath, and released his arm. "Okay."

"Okay." Eddie bit his lip, gazing at him with dark eyes. "It's okay, Buck."

"Is it?"

Eddie nodded. "We're okay," he clarified. "You and me."

He had no idea what Eddie was talking about, so he just shrugged at him. Eddie smiled at him, and then started back towards the house.

* * *

Eddie found Ana standing on the front footpath, her phone in her hands. "Ana," he said, and she looked up at him unhappily. "I'm sorry."

"I only have a couple of minutes, but I’m going to assume that you're very confused and you didn't bring me here tonight to embarrass me," she said.

He nodded, shoving his hands in his pockets. "I… knew this wasn't right," he admitted. "But… I kinda got roped into bringing you."

"You should've told me," she replied, shaking her head bitterly. "Because I actually like you, and you're clearly very much in love with your best friend. I only feel stupid that I didn't realise before tonight. When I invited you over on Thursday, I kept thinking that… it seemed like you wanted to be somewhere else; that you were distracted… but I talked myself out of it. I need to trust my gut more."

He let out a bitter laugh. "Yeah, me too," he replied, clearing his throat. "I'm sorry."

Ana glanced at her phone, and then said, "And you don't even like fish! Why didn't you just tell me?"

"I was trying to be polite."

She shook her head. "God, Eddie… maybe you should talk to someone."

He'd been thinking the exact same thing. "I'm looking into it," he said quietly. "But I feel like I'm finally beginning to figure things out."

"Good," she said, as a car turned onto the street. "That's my Uber. Um… I guess this is goodbye."

"I'm sorry again," he replied. "I really am sorry."

Ana shrugged at him. "I guess I kept thinking how nice it would be to take you home to my parents," she replied, "which is not… the best thing to base a relationship on."

He smiled at her sadly. "I kept thinking the same thing about you."

Ana nodded, and then reached out to squeeze his hand. "For what it's worth, it's pretty clear that you and Buck are head over heels for each other. Good luck with everything, Edmundo."

"Thanks," he murmured, and she smiled at him one last time before releasing his hand and striding over to the waiting car. Eddie waited until she was gone, the car disappearing into the night, and then turned to look at the house.

He could go back inside, alone, and have everyone realise what had happened… or he could leave. He had everything with him, and no reason to stay… except for Buck.

He just needed some time to think.

* * *

"They've been a while," Hen said, glancing at her watch. "They've been gone nearly half an hour."

Buck had been compulsively checking his watch and wondering the same damn thing. He'd expected Eddie to return to the party almost twenty minutes ago, but maybe the break-up was taking longer than he'd thought.

There was a lot of whispering – Michael and David seemed especially confused about what was going on, and Buck was tired of the conversation being indirectly about him. He wondered if Eddie was upset – and suddenly realised that was why he hadn't come back, and he'd been hanging around in the backyard like an idiot when he should've been comforting him.

If anyone noticed him slip back into the house, nothing was said. He went to the front door first and found that they weren't on the lawn anymore, and then searched quickly, trying to find Eddie – but he'd vanished.

Had they left together?

His heart pounding, Buck went to the front window and peered outside – Eddie's truck was missing.

They'd _left together._

Had Eddie made his fucking choice? Had he simply run away like a coward and left Buck alone?

Was this the end? Eddie had said they were okay, but… was that his way of saying goodbye? That he was making his choice, wrong though it was?

_Fuck._

Whatever was left of Buck's heart shattered. He couldn't face returning to the party alone, so he made sure he had everything and then went out to his car, tears burning in his eyes. He'd stupidly thought that Eddie had chosen him – god, he was such an idiot.

Buck had enough sense to send Albert a message saying that he was taking off, and then switched his phone off so nobody could call him in a panic. He pulled away from the curb, trying to hold back the tears – god, he wasn't going to cry over this. He'd fucking expected it, because everyone abandoned him. Everyone left him behind.

Even Eddie, and up until a month ago, he hadn't thought that was possible – but obviously the lure of having the perfect wife was too much for Eddie to resist. And he was right, he could take Ana back to El Paso and introduce him to Ramon and Helena – the perfect woman, exactly who they'd always wanted him to be with.

Buck wondered if he'd get an invite to the wedding.

~

He was still angry when he pulled into his parking spot and took the elevator to his floor. Angry at himself, mostly, for falling in love with someone who was unavailable. He wasn't like Eddie; he couldn't compartmentalise things – he couldn't set aside these feelings and just pretend they didn't exist. He would have to try to figure out how to move on, but for now, all he wanted to do was open a bottle of whiskey and drink until he couldn't remember Eddie's name.

He let himself into the apartment, letting the door fall shut behind him as he kicked his shoes off. The light was on in the kitchen, but he figured he'd forgotten to turn it off in his hurry to leave. It wasn't until he was at the liquor cabinet that he heard a soft, "Hey," from behind him.

Buck let out a shriek and whirled around – there, on the stairs, was Eddie, a glass of whiskey in his hands.

"Holy fuck," Buck gasped, clutching his chest. "You scared the shit out of me! What are you doing here?"

"Waiting for you." Eddie gazed at him unhappily. "We broke up. It's done."

He let out a breath he hadn't realised he'd been holding, and said, "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine." Eddie sipped his whiskey and then added, "But I'm embarrassed. I couldn't go back in."

Buck leaned on the counter, gazing at him with concern. "You have nothing to be embarrassed about."

"I guess… I didn't realise I was doing it," he said quietly. "It's subconscious… you and I have been partners for so long. I kept trying to pay attention to her, but I just wanted to be with you."

_So be with me_ , he thought, but shrugged. "Well… I'm right here, Eddie. You know how I feel, but I have no fucking idea what you're thinking."

Eddie sipped his drink again, staring at the floor. "I'm thinking that my parents are going to be so angry with me… they won't understand. I'm thinking that it shouldn't matter how they feel, because we found our family here, but… it does matter. It matters to me. I'm thinking that at some point I'll do something to fuck this up and you'll realise I'm not the man you think I am… I'm thinking that I wasn't a good husband to Shannon; that I led Ana on, and that… maybe I can't be a good partner to anyone. I'm thinking that Christopher will be so fucking happy if we're together… and I'm thinking that I will be, too. But I’m scared," he admitted. "And… I need to take things slowly."

Buck nodded, his heart lifting. "So it's not a no."

"It's a yes," Eddie said quietly. "A very terrified yes." He met Buck's eyes, and then looked down at the glass in his hands. "Is that okay?"

"I'm scared too," Buck admitted, and Eddie looked at him again. "I'm really scared. I've never done this before… I never thought I'd fall in love with my best friend."

"But you did."

"I couldn't not fall in love with you, Eddie."

* * *

Eddie gazed at Buck, still standing in the kitchen, looking as though he wanted to approach but wasn't sure if he should. "I'm glad you did."

A smile lit up Buck's face, before he admitted hesitantly, "I thought you'd left with her… you just disappeared."

_Fuck._ Eddie closed his eyes briefly, and then said, "Sorry. I should've messaged you. I just needed some space to think."

"It's okay. I'm really glad you came here. Glad I gave you that key."

Eddie nodded at him and said guiltily, "I feel bad for how I treated her… I shouldn't have done that. I was a dick."

"You're not a dick. You were confused," Buck said simply. "It's not ideal, but it's okay."

"Is it? Figuring out after three years of knowing you that I'm in love with you? I never expected this to happen," he said, and downed the last of the whiskey, setting the glass down on a stair. "The day we first met, I never thought we'd end up here."

Buck smiled sadly at him. "Me either."

"You sure you want to put up with my shit?"

"I already do."

He grinned. "Yeah, you do. More than anyone else, I guess."

Buck looked around his apartment, and then at him directly. "Are you… going to be able to put up with me? And my shit? Because there's a lot of it and I'm still not finished working everything out."

Eddie swirled the liquid around in his glass and said, "Buck… I never just _put up_ with you. You're the second most important person in my life. Your shit is kinda… my shit."

"And vice versa." Buck stepped out from behind the kitchen island and over to him, taking a seat beside him on the stairs.

Eddie gave him a sidelong look, and then reached out to take his hand. Buck glanced at him with surprise, and then smiled hopefully. "Do you want to go out on a date with me?" Eddie asked impulsively.

Buck's eyes lit up. "Yes. Where to?"

"Somewhere… with food I actually like."

He laughed. "We can do that. You aren't going to try to impress me with something fancy?"

Eddie nudged him with his shoulder. "Do you want me to?"

"No, I just want you." Buck squeezed his hand, gazing at him with unabashed adoration.

"In that case, McDonalds it is."

"You can wine and dine me a bit more than that." Buck was smiling impishly at him, his eyes sparkling.

And Eddie couldn't help but lean in to brush his lips against Buck's in a first, tentative kiss. Buck gasped and then kissed him back – and suddenly, for the first time in years, Eddie's heart came back to life, and he let himself _feel everything_ ; dropped his walls, and kissed Buck with everything that he had.

He _loved him._

That was the unequivocal truth of it – Eddie was in love with Buck.

He held his hand and kissed him sweetly, and when they parted, Buck was smiling at him. Eddie lifted his head and pressed his lips against Buck's birthmark, and then kissed his cheek.

"Are you being sweet with me?" Buck whispered, his grip tight on Eddie's hand.

Eddie nodded. "Don't tell anyone."

"I won't. I want more of it."

So Eddie kissed him again, softly, and then cupped his cheek with one hand, gazing at him seriously. "I love you."

Looking emotional, Buck nodded. "I love you too."

Eddie pressed his forehead against Buck's, and they sat in silence for a few moments, before he brushed his lips against Buck's again, and then pulled away.

Buck leaned against him. "They'll all be wondering."

"Let them."

"They're worried, but… maybe we can keep this low key for a while. Figure ourselves out," he murmured. "We know what's going on… they can wait."

Eddie was surprised, but relieved that he didn't have to be the one to suggest it. "Okay. Let's take things one step at a time," he replied, and kissed Buck's cheek again. "But… I'm going to have to tell Christopher. You're going to be sleeping over."

Buck grinned. "I am?"

"Yep. When do you want to go on a date with me?"

"I'm free right now, and I'm also starving."

Eddie laughed. "You didn't eat dinner?"

"No, I only had like, half a burger. You want to order some food?" Buck asked hopefully.

"Better idea. You want to go for a drive with me?"

Buck nodded. "Always."

"Then let's go."

~

They swung through the drive-through of a burger joint, and Eddie drove them up the winding Hollywood Hills to a lookout point. He parked the car in the parking lot, with a view of the city in the distance, and climbed out. "Let's sit on the hood."

"Of your new car?" Buck asked, but Eddie was already climbing up and taking a seat, leaning against the windshield. Buck raised his eyebrows, passed the bag of food, and then climbed up beside him. "Are you sure about this?"

"It's just a car. A couple of scratches aren't the end of the world." Eddie ripped open the bag and passed Buck his burger. "You think they spent the whole night talking about us?"

Buck nodded, pulling his phone out of his pocket. "Yeah, I had to text Maddie and then the group chat to let everyone know that we're both okay and everything is fine. Maddie nearly made Chimney chase after me."

"She's worried about you a lot more now."

"I'm actually doing better," he said to Eddie. "And I've told her that. I feel like… I understand it now. I finally understand why I've felt this way my whole life, and now I’m working on… not feeling this way. Finding my people."

"You've found your people," Eddie said quietly. "We're not a fake family."

Buck gave him a long look. "I hurt your feelings with that, didn't I?" he asked uncertainly. "I was just… I wasn't sure."

"Since the day you and Christopher met, you've been a part of our family," Eddie replied. "You think that kid latches onto people all the time? No, he doesn't. He picked you. I picked you as well, the first day when I saw how threatened you were by me… I don't know why, but I thought… this guy deserves a chance. And then you've had my back every step of the way—"

"Except—"

"We don't need to talk about that," he interjected quickly, shutting down any possible mention of the lawsuit. "We've talked that through, a lot. It still stands, Buck – you've had my back ever since we first met, and I've had yours. I don't let people in easily, but I've never had a problem letting you into my life. I depend on you more than you know."

Buck was unwrapping his burger slowly, his eyes trained on Eddie. "You depend on me? I've leaned on you more than anyone else these last few months – and every time I was worried that you were going to tell me to get over it, but… you never did."

"Two years ago, I might've," he admitted.

"Well, Eddie 3.0 is a little different to Eddie 2.0—"

"Wait hold up," Eddie said with a laugh, "when did I go from 1.0 to 2.0 to 3.0?"

Buck grinned at him. "1.0 was army Eddie – I didn't know him. Eddie 2.0 was new to LA Eddie, and Eddie 3.0 is a more evolved, softer guy who realises that fight clubs are a bad outlet for dealing with my feelings."

"You think I'm soft," Eddie murmured, reaching into the bag for a fry. "I could still take you."

"I hope you do," Buck said archly.

That pointed remark went straight to Eddie's dick, and he turned to Buck with high eyebrows, unable to stop grinning. "Oh, really?"

"Yep." Buck took a big bite of his burger, looking smug. "I really, really hope you do."

* * *

They hung out for a while, talking, holding hands, gazing out at the skyline. Buck still had an element of worry – that maybe Eddie would have second thoughts about _this_ as well, but he seemed content, and he was the one to initiate affection; as though he'd been starved for it for so long and couldn't get enough.

Buck kissed him and tried not to think too much about the future.

Eddie suggested they go back to the loft, but fearing Albert could return at any time, Buck decided just to grab a few changes of clothes and then head back to Eddie's house with him. Christopher was at his Abuela's for the night, and they could pick him up in the morning and tell him together.

Once they arrived at Eddie's house, Buck followed Eddie down the hallway to his bedroom and stood in the doorway while Eddie flicked on the light and began to shed his clothes.

"You coming in?" Eddie asked him with a raised eyebrow.

"It's kinda weird."

"Well, I can blow up the air mattress if you want, but I'll be joining you on it." Eddie pulled his shirt over his head, tilting his head at Buck. "Come on."

Buck stepped over the threshold and set his bag down on the floor, toeing his shoes off. "Just so you know, I'm not sleeping with you on the first date," he said, as Eddie laughed. "You keep your hands to yourself."

"That's not gonna be easy." Eddie was grinning, his eyes sparkling.

"You'll just have to exercise restraint."

They both changed into their sweats, and Eddie pulled the blankets down on the bed. "I haven't shared a bed with anyone in a really long time," he admitted. "I might kick you."

"I'll kick you back," Buck replied, flicking off the light. "I can't promise I won't lie all over you."

"I'd like it if you did." Eddie settled onto his side of the bed, and Buck crawled onto the other side. When Eddie leaned in for a kiss, he happily obliged, brushing his fingers through his hair.

Buck brushed his nose against Eddie's and whispered, "I really like you."

"You love me," Eddie corrected. "I don't know why."

"You know why. You're the only person who _sees me_ ," Buck said, and Eddie gave him a serious nod. "And you've never tried to change me or… tell me I'm wrong or overreacting. You just accept me for who I am. How could I not fall in love with you? Plus," he added, tucking a pillow under his head, "you're really easy on the eyes."

Eddie broke into a huge smile. "Wow, the truth comes out," he teased. "You're only with me for my looks."

"One hundred percent. I wouldn't be your friend if you weren't hot."

Eddie shoved him playfully, and when Buck shoved him back, his eyes lit up with delight. "You can't take me," he warned. "I'll always win."

Buck tilted his chin up defensively. "Really, Diaz? You want to go _there_? You know I can bench you under the table."

"Maybe I'd like you to bench me over the table," Eddie retorted.

Buck's eyebrows flew up, and he couldn't help but laugh as Eddie went bright red. "Well, I'm down for that," he said, as Eddie groaned and turned away from him. "I'm definitely down for that."

"Yeah, yeah."

Buck ran a hand down his back and then slipped in behind him, pressing his lips to the back of his neck. Eddie reached around and grabbed his arm, pulling it around his front.

"I've never been spooned before," he admitted.

"You tell me if you hate it or you're uncomfortable—"

"I'm never uncomfortable with you." Eddie was practically hugging Buck's arm to his chest, and when Buck used his free hand to scratch through his hair, he practically purred. "Oh god. Are you… is this what you're like? When you like someone?"

Buck kissed the back of his neck again. "Yep."

"Because I could get used to it."

"Good."

Eddie settled against him and was quiet for a few moments. Buck alternated between kissing his neck and scratching his head, until Eddie was shivering. He flipped over to face him again, leaning in for a kiss.

"You want me to touch you," Buck guessed, and Eddie nodded at him hopefully. "You want me to make you feel good?"

"You already do." Eddie slipped a tentative hand under Buck's shirt, brushing over his stomach before sliding up. "We just need to go slow," he murmured. "Really slow." His fingers flicked over Buck's nipple, and Buck nodded, before kissing him softly.

"Slow as you want, Eds. Whatever you want."

* * *

**Christopher**

Something was up.

Dad came to pick him up, and when they arrived home, Buck was already there, cooking them breakfast, wearing one of Dad's shirts. Christopher didn't say anything, but he was _suspicious._

And then while Buck was at the stove, Dad sat at the kitchen table with his head resting on his hand, smiling at him so happily – Christopher hadn't seen him smile like that in a long time.

And then when Buck dished out their pancakes, Dad's was in the shape of a heart.

Christopher had Mickey Mouse shaped pancakes and he was happy with that.

"So," Dad said, right when he had a mouthful of pancake and maple syrup was dripping down his chin. "I have some news for you, kiddo."

_This was it._ He looked up at them hopefully – and then couldn't contain a giggle. Buck had a smear of chocolate right in the middle of his chin.

"What?" Buck asked innocently, touching his face, and smearing another streak on his top lip. "What's wrong?"

Christopher _wheezed,_ dropping his fork onto his plate with a clatter. Eddie was laughing as well, and Christopher saw him dip his finger into chocolate before pressing it to Buck's nose.

"You look like a koala," Christopher said, and squealed when Buck reached out with a chocolatey finger. "No!"

Buck grinned, and then licked the chocolate off his finger. "Just testing," he said, and quickly wiped his face. "Your dad's got news, kiddo."

Christopher turned to his father expectantly – _hopefully_. "Yes?"

Dad sipped his coffee and then said, "Things have changed, kiddo… The lady I've been seeing – it's not happening anymore."

Relieved, he nodded.

"And…" Dad glanced at Buck – and for the first time, Christopher realised that Buck's arm was around the back of Dad's chair. _Buck's arm was around Dad's chair._ "Buck and I are…"

"Married," he finished hopefully.

Buck snorted with laughter, shaking his head. "You're jumping about a hundred steps there, kiddo, but I like the positivity."

Dad seemed a little nervous. He glanced at Buck, who gave him a reassuring nod, and then said, "Buck's going to be my boyfriend."

_YES._

_YES, YES, YES._

He wanted to whoop with excitement, but he settled for joyful wriggling, a huge smile on his face. "Really?"

Dad nodded. "So he's going to be around a lot more, and we're probably going to go out some nights, just the two of us… basically, you're going to see a lot more of Buck."

"Good."

Buck held his fist out, and Christopher bumped it with his own.

But Dad was still gazing at him worriedly, and when Christopher looked at him with confusion, he said, "I don't want you to think that I'm replacing your mom, kiddo. I'm not. She's irreplaceable."

"I know," he said, because he'd never thought that about Buck. "But this is good too. Buck's my best friend."

Dad finally smiled, glancing at Buck affectionately. "He's our best friend," he said, bumping their shoulders together. "And listen – we're taking things pretty slow. Nothing is going to change too much right away."

He nodded seriously, but inside he was overjoyed. Dad and _Buck._ And they were smiling at each other, and Buck leaned in and kissed Dad's cheek and Dad went a little red, like he was so happy and trying to contain it.

Christopher took a huge bite of his pancakes, totally thrilled. Finally. Finally! He was going to make sure they were so happy together.

* * *

Attempting to keep things low key was always going to be a challenge. Most of their friends already _knew_ there were feelings on both sides, and they would be expecting a big announcement.

So they agreed that Buck would talk to everyone alone, first. Christopher had a presentation due for Zoom school on the Monday morning, and Eddie decided to start work a little later in order to watch him make his speech.

All eyes were on Buck when he climbed the stairs to the balcony. He'd already fielded a call from Maddie the day before, and decided to stick with the story he'd given her.

"We talked a lot," he said to them, after he'd made his coffee and taken a seat at the table. "We talked through everything. We decided we both need some time to… deal with everything. He's going to find a therapist, and I'm going to continue to talk to Dr Copeland, and we're going to give each other time and space."

They were all nodding at him. "That seems very reasonable," Bobby said gently. "We know you two will figure it out."

"And if you need to talk to us about anything, you can," Hen added. "We're all here for you, Buckaroo."

"Just as long as everything is good between you guys," Chimney added. "And your friendship is still okay."

He nodded. "Yeah, we're good," he confirmed. "Um… you guys know Eddie's a pretty private guy, and he asked me to ask you if… you'd all be cool, I guess. He's a little embarrassed about Saturday night—"

"He has nothing to feel embarrassed about," Bobby cut in. "Nothing he did was with bad intentions… it was just unfortunate, that's all."

"She's a lovely woman, but they just weren't a match," Hen added. "And that's okay."

"Eddie has nothing to worry about. Nobody is going to crack any jokes," Bobby said, casting a warning look at Chimney.

"Hey, I'm about to be a father," Chimney protested. "Cut me some slack. I've evolved."

"Well, we all must have missed that," Hen murmured, and sipped her tea.

Chimney was trying and failing to look offended, unable to keep the grin off his face. "The disrespect that I am being shown here today – that's it, you're all off the guest list for the baby shower."

"Good, no need to buy any presents then," Buck teased.

"Now, you wouldn't want to start off on the wrong foot with your niece, would you, Uncle Buck?" Chimney asked, arching an eyebrow at him. "You don't want her to think of you as the mean one, and Albert the fun one."

He really didn't want to be usurped by _Albert_ , and so he crumbled and said quickly, "Okay fine, I'm going to spoil her rotten. Happy?"

"I have a feeling everyone is going to be spoiling her rotten," Bobby said with a chuckle, rising to his feet. "Athena's already been to the baby shop."

"You looked at the registry though, right?" Chimney asked, leaping up to follow Bobby into the kitchen. "Because we really need people to stick to the registry."

As Bobby placated Chimney, Hen rested her head on her hand and gazed at Buck affectionately. "I'm sorry it's not the magical start to romance that you might've wanted, but spending some time on yourselves could be really good for both of you."

He nodded in agreement. Eddie had already made an appointment with a therapist of his own, and Buck would continue his sessions with Dr Copeland.

They were just planning to better themselves while they were together, with hopefully a little less scrutiny from the people around them.

And besides, Eddie had already asked him out on an official date – Saturday night, at a Mexican restaurant with outdoor seating and social distancing in place.

Everyone else could wait. For now, they had each other.

~to be continued~

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to Kat ([cinematicnomad](https://cinematicnomad.tumblr.com/) on Tumblr) for all your help!
> 
> The title is from [Alone Again Or](https://youtu.be/cPbNpIG8x_s) by Love
> 
> Talk to me @ Tumblr: [woodchoc-magnum](https://woodchoc-magnum.tumblr.com/) \- my inbox is open!


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